So why this firm?

Because I’ve vaguely heard of it, and I reckon people might be impressed if I say work for you (and it might help me get laid).

Also, I know you came to the Careers Fair, but I didn’t go because I didn’t want to look like some keen badger in front of the lads.

Furthermore, Daddy might finally be proud of me if I get a job at a big firm.

You were also, like, the first name on the TargetJobs website. Oh and I also really like the culture.

I want to work in an office with a sick-looking entrance, too.

So why this industry?

Because I’ve loved analysing banks’ balance sheets, writing Excel formulas and doing pointless presentations since I was six years old, so you know I’m motivated.

Also, I’ve heard city people make, like, at least £4 million a year with massive bonuses and I really want to be rich.

Also, I’m doing Economics at University so I figure I know all the shit about aggregate demand that matters loads at banks and stuff.

Finally, you see all these old banker dudes with fit girlfriends and I want to get in on that. I’m also really interested in financial markets.

Click on the image to see a YouTube video that sums it up.

So what skills do you bring to the job?

Well I joined Besoc and went to one of their socials so I obviously know loads about business.

Also, I’ve got tons of experience from when I did two days in a consulting firm following my dad around after my GCSEs.

I’m totally cool with fraud and stuff, so I’m not going to be one of those whistle-blower pigeons.

I’m fairly handy with Maths, and I can use computers pretty well.

Avoid these sort of pigeons at all costs.

When was there a time when you convinced someone of your opinion?

Last Thursday, some of the boys want to go to Arena – when quite clearly the only night on a Thursday is #dirtybeats.

So I simply enumerated all the ways Mosaic is superior to Arena (trust me, it is) and got all the lads to go to Mozzas instead.

Safe to say we all had a beaut night. I f*****g love Dirty Beats.

The Tab isn’t sure this guy likes Dirty Beats, though.