How to avoid shagging a fauxminist

You know the drill.

You’ll be chatting to a guy at a party, everything will be going swimmingly, and then suddenly he’ll make a ‘go make me a sandwich’ joke, and a small part of you will die inside.

Here we go again, you’ll think.

Is too much to ask to meet a boy who gets feminism?

We are all prepared to run a mile from that guy who tells anyone who will listen that ‘women have got the vote now, so they’re equal, right?’

However, there is a new kind of anti-feminist on the scene.

Out of the sea of misogynists, egalitarians or people who don’t really care about the issue at all rises your shining knight.

Brandishing a copy of The Female Eunuch, fully equipped with statistics about the pay gap, and with an advance set of opinions on the female orgasm: a man interested in feminism.

Ladies beware. He may not be all that he seems.

Behind that empathetic smile and ever-so-caring pat on the shoulder lies one thing. A penis. A penis that may want to get into your pants. Through any means possible.

Meet the fauxminist: a boy who only pretends to be interested in feminism so he can sleep with you.

These are almost more dangerous than a fully-out misogynist, and must be detected early and avoided at all cost.

Can they talk about bra burning without looking at your boobs?

I’m just reaaaaaally interested in what you’re saying right now.

The same goes for The Vagina Monologues or The Second Sex.

Being unable to discuss such topics without winking, raising their eyebrows or letting their eyes wonder towards the area in question is a sure sign that this guy has something more than feminist theory on the brain.

And if they ask if you want to learn what their Sexual Politics are, just say no.

Do they ever talk about feminism with men?

If they find girls gross the second you’re out of ear-shot, they’re probably not a keeper.

Are they the life and soul of the sisterhood when standing in a group of eager, single girls, yet become the first to slut-shame a woman when they’re with the lads?

Being a feminist isn’t like being Clark Kent: you don’t have to keep your true identity hidden from everyone else.

If this guy sheds his feminist badge as fast as he plans on shedding your clothes tonight, it’s probably best to stay away.

Does their Facebook show them to be ‘sensitive’ towards women’s issues?

What’s that, you’re actually interested in women who aren’t naked and fornicating on a screen in front of you?

Do you want a medal? A round of applause? A shag?

If they’re as public with their views on feminism as a politician is on petrol preices around election time, you can guess they’re probably about as trust-worthy as Nick Clegg.

Do they manage to turn feminism into something that benefits only them?

Feminism means I can keep this drink for myself, right?

“Here let me buy you a drink. Oh no, wait, that would be sexist.”

“It isn’t safe for you to walk home on your own, you should probably come back to mine.”

“I’m different to all those other guys. I actually respect women. You shouldn’t talk to them, you should talk to me instead.”

Do they want EVERYONE to know what a feminist crusader they are?

Lies. All lies.

Simply telling people you’re a feminist isn’t the same as actually being one.

Beyonce can stand in front of a large feminist sign all she likes, but when she goes home to lie on a bed made of the millions of dollar bills she’s earned from selling her overly-sexualised body to the patriarchy, we can be forgiven if we ever-so-slightly doubt her sincerity.

Fauxminists don’t have to be white cis-gender men.

They are lurking among us everywhere.

You have been warned.