Boys, you’ve got less than 48 hours to get ready for the SSB

So you’re surprised that the guaranteed six month “get skinny quick” diet hasn’t worked. And you’re anxious that with only two days to go, the Men’s Health programme you’ve been half following is yet to re-shape your VK abused torso?

Luckily, we’re on hand to help with last minute SSB preparation inspiration which will make flicking through the reels of photo evidence of the evening all the less stressful.

‘Working out with no tops on brought us closer together’ Angus Brown, SSB prep 2K14

Tanning

It’s too late for the use of a “gradual glow” moisturiser, and fake tan dangerously narrows the margin for error between Caspar the Friendly Ghost and Bubbles De Vere. Instead, get yourself down to the sun-bed salon and turn that shit to HOT. Make sure you use the age old technique of burning your skin now, so in a few days you peak. It’s the SSB for God’s sake, what’s a bit of long term skin damage for a pleasurable aesthetic?

Even a shrig looks better if it’s tanned. There’s nothing worse than rocking up looking like you could catch skin cancer from a holiday brochure and having to stand next to some bronzed up HPP athlete.

Dehydration

Chaps, it’s important that any vascularity you’ve gained from a good old fashioned chest and arms day (most days), in the lead up to this event isn’t masked by unnecessary water weight.

To avoid such an atrocity, make sure you start dehydrating the shit out of yourself over the next few days. I’m saying if your piss isn’t syrup-like, you’re not taking this seriously enough. Sometimes you’ve got to suffer for your art.

Ab attack

Although it may leave you hurting for days, if you time it right, an 8 hour ab session will sort you right out. If twenty sit ups a night hasn’t worked for you, and you’ve got a bit of gain-line weight clinging to you like a Plymouth graduate clings to the hope of securing a job in the city with a Desmond in Events Management, this ab attack will leave creases that will pass as abs in photos, you cannot lose (lighting permitting).

First team prop ‘Rhodesy’ getting it right at SSB 2014

Contingency plan

If even after these near fool-proof steps your rig still looks like a before photo, you need a back-up plan, and it’s quite simple.

People have paid a pretty penny to be at this event and they don’t want to have to look at your snakey molested corpse cluttering up the D floor like Albert Brennaman at a Victoria’s Secret underwear launch. Here’a thought – kaftan.

Cover that shit up. Not only will this set you apart from all the other lads there, giving you the curiosity factor, it will actually make the girls want you all the more. For this reason all the other lads are letting the girls have their cake and eat it by being near naked. By covering up with a kaftan or other robe-like gears, your suitors will have to work to have their cake. And when they realise it’s a big fucking slice under that loose fitting sack, you’re only a few steps away from getting a cheeky wristy back at The Ram (avoid cameras).

Chubby chasers are a thing, and everyone is beautiful on the inside.