If you see these items in a Lancs boy’s uni bedroom, leave immediately

The university bedroom is yours to make of what you will. You can sprinkle fairy lights all over the walls with photos of all your pals, or purchase a wall hanging and tell your friends it makes you the vibiest flatmate.

You’re in the smoking area of Sugar, he’s asked you what course you’re studying and what college you’re in, and eventually – there it is – “D’you wanna come back to mine?” It’s near closing time and your mates are literally no where to be seen, so at the least you’re in it for the free taxi ride. But in the taxi, things are getting a bit handsy, so you think fuck it and follow him back to his uni room.

Boys’ uni rooms say a lot about what you’re getting in for. If you see any of these items in a Lancaster boy’s uni room, save yourself some precious time and just leave. Leave as quickly as you can.

Two chairs

He’s neglected the desk chair that came with his accommodation and replaced it with a bigger, comfier, gaming chair which you will not be allowed to sit on. It’s for one purpose only, which is to stare at that large monitor.

Empty alcohol bottles

They are most likely on the top shelf peering down at you as a reminder that he is proud of how much vodka he can chug at pres.

Every Tame Impala album, but on vinyl

It appears that his adoration for Tame Impala is attractive, but his need to have them on vinyl without the presence of a record player is a big sign, you’ve gotta go, he’s a softboi.

The leavers hoodie

The worst thing about the company of a leavers hoodie is that its never at the bottom of the wardrobe, where it should be. It’s always displayed for your attention, but why? Please don’t make me ask you about your leavers hoodie, please.

A t-shirt on the notice board

Why is there a t-shirt on the notice board? You will find this disconcerting, don’t look pass your gut instinct.

Kettle in the room

Think about the reasons one might have to have their own kettle in their room, it’s not looking good is it.

Glow sticks

Glow sticks, anywhere, but worse if they are being displayed. Ask yourself: “Why is this boy attached to these glow sticks?” and determine whether or not it’s worth it from there.

Shopping bags

Is he keeping these in his room to prove he is a sustainable queen? Or is he really just trying to avoid going to the kitchen?

A badly placed extension lead

Are you trying to kill me?

Another girl’s belongings

If you see a pile of another girl’s stuff, you know what that means…

Everything but the floor

Understandably uni storage space is not the most generous, but at least make it look neat.

Food in the room

Clearly has trust issues.

The room is in John Creed

He won’t tell you until you’re outside the building, but if his room is in there go home.

A velvet throw

Stylish, too stylish – is this here, for me?

A lone coffee cup

And it’s Lancs uni merch, scary.

A tiny towel on a tiny radiator

What else is small?

Blinds that are ALWAYS closed

Terrifying, what is it about the outside world that you can’t bear to see? Is everything okay? When did you last see daylight?

A bed that is anywhere but the bed frame

How do you move?! Why?

Adidas sliders

Comfy yes, but he believes his sliders are a statement of how laid back, chill and effortless his style is.

One pillow

How do you REST? Does he ever sleep? You’re not getting any kind of cuddles because he clearly doesn’t know what comfort is.

A ‘lady’ drawer

If he has a ‘lady’ drawer filled with make up wipes, moisturiser and emergency pads but states to have never had a girlfriend go go go as fast as you can.

Secret spy agent kit

Because he is 12 years old.

Towels on the chair

Turned off.

No duvet cover

Respect yourself enough to not sleep in the rough touch of a duvet without a cover on, what has linen ever done to you?

Several vapes

Why more than one?

An extensive DVD collection, extensive

As in, it’s endless. There’s copies of Mamma Mia 2 and CATS and you just will never understand why. Also, if he doesn’t have a Netflix account, what do you have to gain?

A lava lamp

He just likes to “vibe out with his lava lamp.”

LED Strip lights

To set the mood? He spends at least five minutes showcasing the five colour settings on the remote.

Glow in the dark stars

Definitely leave if he lays back and says: “look at the stars with me.”

Crate of Corona

He will make a coronavirus joke.

And a bag of limes that should be in the fridge

Gross.

A whiteboard with a dick drawn on it

At least he is getting to know his genitalia in his own time.

A lot of LYNX

Either he’s still working his way through some Christmas gift sets, or he genuinely likes smelling like a Year 9 lad. Either way, it’s not a great sign, is it?