All the reasons D Cummings should have gone to Lancaster Castle over Barnard Castle

Better parking for a start x

5 years ago

Guides

Dominic Cummings, Senior Adviser to the Prime Minister, has been engulfed by public scrutiny over the weekend after driving 260 miles from London to Durham during the country’s lockdown.

In Cummings’ journey, he made a stop at Durham’s Barnard Castle, justifiably to test if his eyesight was fit enough for him to drive. According to The Guardian, Cummings has put Barnard Castle on the map throughout this series of events, and it got us thinking: He clearly should have gone to Lancaster Castle instead.

Driving to Lancaster Castle would have shaved 24 minutes off his journey

Cummings seemed to emphasise that on his journey from London to Durham with his four year old, he did not stop once. Parents on Twitter have since questioned this ability, as children are renowned for having weak bladders.

What is the most remarkable thing to come out of this conference..? That Cummings has a car that doesn’t need petrol? Or that he has a four year old who doesn’t need to piss?

— Man vs Baby (@mattcoyney) May 25, 2020

People honestly cannot wrap their heads around the idea that Cummings managed an almost five hour journey with a small child. Had he gone to Lancaster Castle, this journey would have been cut down to almost four and a half hours, perhaps making his reasoning more believable.

It’s still standing

Alright, I’m not one to judge on appearance, but if I were to judge then I would point out that Lancaster Castle is more aesthetically pleasing than Barnard Castle. We’ve got turrets and everything.

In all her glory

You only have to google Barnard Castle to see that whilst it is picturesque, it’s a bit ruined. And, given that Lancaster Castle is in fact around 1,040 years older than Barnard Castle, it seems that Cummings not only bent his own guidelines but he’s robbed himself of true tender love and care, as is seen in the conservation work at Lancs Castle.

Lancaster Castle has a really good cafe

Lancaster Castle reaps the benefits of having a really good cafe on Castle grounds. Had it been open or rebelling against lockdown rules, Cummings could have treated his family to a picnic of jam sandwiches and white wine as they sat looking across Lancaster city centre.

It is better for parking spaces

According to TripAdvisor, the first thing visitors have said to notice about the 900 year old historic building is the lack of parking in its surroundings.

More generously, Lancaster Castle has three (yes you heard) THREE public car parks within 300m of the castle entrance. Had Cummings made the decision to visit Lancs Castle instead of Durham’s Barnard Castle, he could have visited all three car parks without encountering any witnesses and attempted to read the ‘pay and stay’ boards from inside his car. Should have gone to Specsavers? Should have gone to a Lancaster Castle car park.

Lancaster Castle is right next to the pub

Barnard Castle but make it virtual

All it took was one drop of my little virtual google maps man to get me to the centre of Barnard Castle to see what all the fuss is about. When I arrived, slap bang in the middle, I thought one thing and one thing only: Where is the pub?

Whilst I am sure I will be reassured that there are pubs close to Barnard Castle, if you enter Lancaster Castle from the main road you are invited into The Merchants which was once a wine merchant’s cellar for wine imported to Lancaster. It has three tunnels and is rumoured to connect to the castle through a secret tunnel. That is more than a pub, that is an elite pub.

Obviously, Cummings would not have been able to indulge in the luxury of having a pub essentially on castle grounds (or would he?). But for those of us who might want to jump on the hype post-lockdown, it seems pretty evident to me why you would choose Lancs over Barnard.