Fuck Valentine’s Day

1. Send hate mail – Valentine’s cards consist mainly of cardboard vomit so, for a refreshing and potentially evil task, send somebody you hate a letter reminding them just how much you despise them. Or if you’re feeling particularly loathing, send a sickening couple break up cards and watch the drama commence.

2. Ring up restaurants and cancel bookings under generic names – “Daniel Smith will no longer need his reservation”. This is a risky one as you have to guess the lothario’s name, but if you are successful, you may take joy in the fact that a couple will no longer be able to sit in a cheesy restaurant and spend ridiculous amounts of money on food neither of them really care about as they are just waiting for what happens when they get home… Doing them a favour really!

3. Go Out and Cock Block – If you’re single on Valentine’s Day you can be sure to see some leeches out in concert square and desperate girls hoping for a glimmer of affection. Your mission for the evening is to prevent this from happening. See a lad trying his best moves on some defenceless singleton? Pretend to be his girlfriend, throw a drink over him for good measure! Just make sure you stop it.

4. Come up with a fake emergency to force your friend to spend time with you instead of their valentine. May I suggest:

• Childhood dog dying
• Finding out your ex is engaged
• Pretending you have an STD.
• Pretending you found out their ex has an STD.

If all fails (or you are just too nice to ruin people’s days)

5. Have a drink (or 2 or 3 or 4) – whether it’s alone playing the “When Harry Met Sally” drinking game (http://www.lazydork.com/movies/whenharrymet.shtml)

Or going to a gay bar with any single friend you can find.

Do something … and please STOP watching The Notebook.

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