Successfully intoxicating yourself to the absolute precise amount during pre-drinks  is, essentially, a gift. But here are the five people who completely ruin our attempt and leave us jumping in the taxi angry and far too sober for our liking.

The over-enthusiast

You know who you are. We all do. We’ve heard the stories, we’ve seen you in motion, we maybe even encouraged your behaviour at points, yes… but there is always one. There is always one who somehow calculates in their head that 70cl of vod is a good ‘pre’ amount of drink before the real lash starts.

These people tend to get increasingly more animated in the pre-drinking time: YouTubing Tinie Tempah so they too can ‘drink from the bottle’ when the base kicks. But when it all becomes too much at 9:45pm, it’s your job to drag them by the feet to the nearest carpeted area and let them rest on a shoe until the morning while you hop in the taxi to begin your night. Sweet dreams.

The Emotionalist

If only they could read that massive sign on your head they might shut up.

They drink enough to turn into a complete emotional wreck but unfortunately not enough to pass out and shut up. After a few quick, polite exchanges about the weather and ‘oh my god’ how nice you look, they choose you as their sufferer. Before you know it, you’re locked in the downstairs loo with a hysteric madwoman, reassuring her she’s better than that complete random stranger she’s never actually spoken too but had some pretty sensual eye contact with the past couple of weeks in lectures. But it’s okay because after giving up pre-drink time to play Agony Aunt, she’s over it and you’re like ‘the nicest person ever’.

The Ultra-Alt Trance Guru

Of course there is always the one who plays shit music. These people tend to lie pretty low in the early stages of pre-drinks, but be assured they will pounce. They creep towards the iPod dock while everyone else is innocently socialising and amusing one another. Then gradually that incessant, monotonous, shit baseline works its way into your conversation. They suddenly pipe up as DJ Wizard and continue to ‘entertain’ with their 23 song playlist they secretly prepared for the event, where each tune fades into another anti-climatic song titled ‘I Like Cheese’ or ‘Fucking Die (part 1)’. Ultra-alternative.

The Silent Predator

This person may not say or do anything in particular that spoils your pre-drinks, but their unremitting silence and stillness is enough to just irritate you anyway. They show no emotion or excitement about being in the social situation but just sit on the arm of the settee sipping their canned cocktails… and WHY? Aren’t we FUN? Don’t you WANT to spend time with us? Can’t you SMILE?

The Intruder

Finally we have the completely random person your most distance friend brought from their Egyptology society. They are usually far too overly confident and comfortable for the social situation they are in, but you have to be nice because they are new. Just a shame they are the most dull, humdrum person you have ever met and it’s your job to spend pre-drinks listening to that time this one critic from this one textbook quoted something that was said in 1845 but referenced it as 1842. Shock and horror.

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