It’s Friday night, it’s chucking it down with rain and you’re not exactly dressed for queuing. 

Queues are a standard part of a night out- to get in, for the bar, for the loo- but only because we let it.  For centuries, the English have defined themselves by their excellent ability to queue.  No more!

Patience is not a virtue

Here are the best ways to minimize waiting in line and get straight to the front.

How to jump an entry queue

Wherever you prefer, there is always a good queue guaranteed to ruin your hair before you’ve had chance to show off your new do.  You can hear the music, taste the sweat and yet it’s still all so far away.

There are several ways to avoid this unfortunate event and prevent hair and outfit disasters, not to mention the most horrific part of queuing in the cold that is the sobering up process.  We work hard at predrinks and this situation should be avoided at all costs.

You didn’t neck that lost shot at pres on the proviso you’d be sobering up any time soon

Pretend you’re a big deal

Granted, this one is hit and miss depending on how pally you are with the bouncers and how good you are at blagging.  Simply march right up to the front, ask the bouncer to let you in and sweeten the deal with any of the following phrases:

• “I’m kind of a big deal.  Your night will be insane once I’m in there.”
• “Don’t you know who I am?”
• “Check the guest list. I’m definitely on there and if I’m not it’s a mistake.”

Chance of success: 1/5

Pretend to look for your drunken mess of a mate

You MUST be let in right away as you’ve just received a very urgent phone call from your friend who could quite possibly pass out in a locked cubicle any minute, and you’re the only person who can save them.  Probably.

Obviously this won’t work if your drunken mess of a friend is already outside

Chance of success: 2/5

Make a queue friend

Find an unsuspecting person towards the front and start chatting about how long they’ve been there.  Follow up with some compliments to get them gushing and then slide right in behind them (or in front if you’ve got mega balls).

Chance of success: 4/5

How to jump a bar queue

If there’s one thing more annoying than waiting around to get in a club, it’s then having to wait around even longer to get a drink once you’re inside.

Distract the opponent

You can be creative here.  Distract the person in front of you and follow up with a swift push and bingo, you’re in front.  You could:

• Pinch their bum
• Spill a drink on them
• Pull their hair
• Start chatting them up

A cheeky pat on the derrière usually works a treat but prepare for a variety of reactions.

Chance of success: 3/5

Be a proper gob shite

Just start mouthing off at the person in front of you, accompanied by a few shoves and they’ll eventually give up and let you in.

Chance of success: 3/5

How to jump a toilet queue

This one is a lot harder than it looks, especially for girls.  Toilet time is an essential part of a night out.  Where else do you top up your make-up, make friends and actually have a gossip about what’s going on?  Nowhere but the bogs.

However, because of all the action going on in the loos, the queue tends to be about ten times longer than it should be.  And we all know what happens when you’ve had a few too many and the urge to pee springs upon you.  It must be tended to immediately.

 Pretend to use the mirror

March to the front of the line, insisting you need a mirror check.  Everyone will oblige, of course (no decent girl wants a fellow babe looking like a show).  Pout in the mirror for a few seconds, keeping one eye on the cubicle behind you.  As soon as it opens, make your move without saying a word to anyone.  They’ll all have forgotten by the time you’ve finished.

Chance of success: 4/5

Mirror pic = classic sign you intended to use the mirror

 Pick a mate

The more the merrier!

Buddy up and half your queuing time.  You could even make it a little competition to see how many of you can actually fit into a cubicle. This also means you make the most out of your toilet trip as you can continue the gossip whilst having a piss.  Who doesn’t love a bit of efficiency?

Chance of success: 5/5

Abandon ship

You’re drunk, everyone else is drunk.  The queue is massive, you don’t know if you can hold it in.  So, you have two choices.  You can attempt to find a quiet corner to relieve your bladder, or you could take a little trip to the mens.  Neither is the classy choice, but hey, it’s Friday night and since when was Friday classy anyway.  And you’re a student.

Chance of success: 5/5 (but be wary of being spotted later on)