Face it, your inability to roll cigarettes is ruining your life

First things first, it’s not like you haven’t tried.

In fact, you’ve have tried many times, accumulating many packets of rizla, pouches and filters over my many, many attempts and ultimate failures.  You have had numerous friends and ex flames try and teach you, all to no avail.

Smoking straights used to be a way of life, but that ceased when Jamie T became every teens group anthem and hareem pants a staple item of clothing. Rollies are in, and they have been for some time.

But you stuck it out with straights. Not because you wanted to, but because your rolling skills weren’t up to scratch to convert. And now, you’ve found yourself in a love hate relationship with a 20 pack of Marlboros.

The straights smoker step

You are the odd one out

Times are especially hard when you go for a cig break and your mates are rolling. Inevitably your smoking break doubles as you have to hang around in the cold waiting for them to roll.

Of course you don’t hang about, you quickly light up your straight in a way not to gain attention. You stand with your head down feeling self-conscious, thinking how did it ever come to this? How did you become a shameful straights smoker?

When it comes to your last inhale you realise you’ve burned through your cig way before your pals have smoked their rollie, so in a bid of defiance you smoke another.

The worst situation for you is when you’re out of straights and you’re desperate to curb your nicotine fix. You despairingly ask your rollie mate for a fag, and to your horror he chucks you the stuff to roll your own. A fate worse than vaping.

Time stands still. You panic. You start to breathe heavily, your palms get sweaty – furthering your inability to roll a cig.

Do you decide to change your mind? ‘Nah mate, I actually don’t want that fag now, my craving has mysteriously disappeared.’ Do you admit you can’t roll? Or do you attempt to roll a hideously shit unsmokable fag? The pressure. You need a cig to get you through the decision alone.

You get abuse for buying expensive straights

It’s embarrassing. Especially for someone who has been inhaling the toxic fumes for over half a decade. The gruelling conversations with new friends: “Why are you smoking straights? They are SO expensive!!!”

“Because I can’t roll,” you cry silently to yourself while frantically whipping out a Marlboro light to calm your nerves and to block out your rolling nightmare.

Instead of stating the truth, which you know will end up with barrage of laughter, you respond “I just prefer the taste of straights.” You’ve opened another can of worms. Well done.

People tell you it’s not even that hard

What do you find so hard about rolling? I can do it with my eyes close, your mates boast.

Okay, okay you’re not a total lost cause. You can put the baccy on the rizla and put the filter on the end all by yourself, but that’s about it. The art is in the ‘nip and tuck’ and it’s that nifty manoeuvre where you fall short and crumble.

On top of that it takes you to roll a good ten minutes to roll, and they don’t even come out decent. What is the point. Your cigs end up tight at one end and loose at the other and then all the baccy falls out. People think you’re smoking a joint, except your joint keeps going out.

The struggle is real

You have to beg people to roll one for you

Even more embarrassing, what with the vast amount of paraphernalia you’ve accumulated from trying to learn,  you have taken to asking mates to roll cigs for me using my equipment. As shameful as it sounds you have done this on many occasions, even falling as low as to ask pals to roll you a few to keep you going.

Club nights are the worst. You’ve smoked your last straight and you’re desperate for another. You ask around in the smoking area, and to your relief someone says they can help you out. They reach for their baccy and rizla and you awkwardly have to stop them in their tracks from passing it to you. You still can’t roll, but to save face you pretend you’re too intoxicated to craft a fag. Phew, that was close.

Yes, you are an embarrassment to the smoking community, we’ve already established this.  You’re the lone puffer of straights in a sea of rollie legends. The skill isn’t even rare – it’s just you who can’t do it. Watching people rolling effortlessly makes you sad. Their style, their skill, their nonchalance about the abilities they take so much for granted. The papers lightly roll off their fingers to form a perfect cylindrical shape – tightly packed of course.

You consider buying a rolling machine

Surely just get a rolling machine you suggest. As if occasionally asking mates to roll cigs with your own baccy isn’t enough of an embarrassment. Whipping out a rolling contraption to facilitate you nicotine fix is just entering a long winding path which ends in becoming the kind of person who buys ready-rolled spliffs on a trip to Amsterdam.

Imagine going out for a fag with a guy you’ve been crushing on forever and he whips out a rolling machine.  ‘Yeah you know what, guys who use rolling machines really get me going’ said no one, ever. Trust me, the stupid contraption will crush your vibe and when your street cred is already rock bottom because you smoke straights, you just can’t risk it anymore.

Solid effort

Some might say you may as well just stop smoking altogether…or get the whole vape mods collection. The shame is equal to your lack of rolling skills. But that elusive ability to turn paper and tobacco into your daily fix haunts your hourly smoker’s moment outside the SJ, as you pull out the 20 pack and turn to ask for a lighter, watching distain cross fellow smokers faces as they see a perfectly manufactured straight hanging from your lips.
Vaping statistics sourced from: https://www.cannavapos.fr/vaporisateurs-portables/