The Alternative Smithdown Festival

This weekend we’ve been promised a Smithdown Road festival of free music, food and art. Sounds nice, but this is Smithdown Road. Let’s be realistic: a weekend bonanza on Smithdown Road ain’t going to be Glastonbury. Or Bestival. Maybe at a stretch BoomTown, but that’s only if Langdale residents are involved in organising it. A realistic Smithdown Festival would be something more like this.

The Arriva Shuttle Bus Service

A shuttle bus that takes the royalty of Crown Place to downtown Liverpool for a wild weekend slumming it in Smithdown. Unfortunately,  they’ll miss the festival because the bus won’t show up for 20 minutes, then it will break down and everyone will get lost in Toxteth. And they’ll have paid £40 for a special festival day bus pass. Cry me arriva.

Uncharted territories for the Crown Place crowd

The Smithdown Aquarium Stall

Obviously, this would sell fish, although who they sell them to isn’t clear. But this stall would also have a ‘watch the fish’ tent, where you could choose a pill in luxury and sit down next to an aquarium for a magical trip into the tropical sea life world. Enjoy the magic of the gurami and the beauty of the sea snail on a trip of lifetime that doesn’t involve airplanes. Harem pants are optional.

WHAT IS THIS SHOP

The Brookie Stall

Pints. Just pints. Pint and pints of cider. Of beer. Of Anything.  Gallons maybe. And sports competitions like penalty shootouts and hockey tackle boxes. And then pints. And more pints. And a porter loo, because pints equals pressure. Can you buy any other drink at the Brookie except pints? It doesn’t matter anyway – this stall is for the sports players and they only like pints. The stall is gender segregated (NO LOOKING AT THE BOY AMY, IT ISN’T MIDNIGHT): a dangerous risk taken in the face of the gender loving Guild – better be careful the whole AU isn’t de-ratified.

The Carnatic Catering Stall

Leftovers from Friday evening for ridiculous prices. Mouldy cheesecake? Tick. Congealed carbonara? Tick. The only thing worth buying would be the hash browns, and they’d be gone after 10 minutes.

PhilSoc Stall

A  carefully curated stand in Aldi car park holding speeches throughout the day by everyone from Hitler to Satan, all in the name of freedom of speech.

The FemSoc Stall

Free pads, no men and a FemSoc vs. Philsoc wrestling match at midday (PhilSoc representative must be topless so we can objectify him). A female heaven.

The Evil Eye Stall

Nice stall, incredible food, but no one will buy them. Because a) they forgot, b) they have no money or c) they don’t have an other half. Only couples visit this stall, trying to find something to do on the fourth night of the week other than lie in bed watching Narcos and shagging. “We’ll go out”, they say, “we’ll be interesting, we’ll visit the festival, we’ll have a burrito”. Inevitably by 5pm, while the singletons are manically dancing in front of Gresford Avenue or slumped against a traffic light, that couple will be back home on Avondale Road, watching Narcos, shagging, and apologising for their slightly spicy burps.

In go the couples

The Langdale Road Stall

A revolutionary try before you buy ket stall, for those who haven’t yet dared to spend on ketamine. Soft cushions, baggies and keys included.  Expect dribbling, twitching and surreal acid-techno.

The Medic Stall

A cupcake sale but only medics can buy the cakes and multiple performing arts tropes, which only medics can watch. All money will go to the LMSS bank account charity after they tragically lost so much this year.  Also a bear trap and set of Medieval stocks in case Harry Anderson walks past. #medigate

The Dolls Hospital Stall

Enter, this stall and you’ll never exit. Creepy as fuck.

The Obstacle Course

A challenge for only the hardiest of Wavertree warriors, to complete the Smithdown Obstacle Course one must manage to carry their shopping home from ASDA with out incident.  If you can remember your bag for life then manage to dodge the dog poo, the rush hour traffic and occasional stabbings, you’ll be able to claim something in return. Prizes include a cold house with a broken boiler and your housemate leaving the freezer door open.

The Delta Taxi Stall

In your face banners, free rulers, and a card machine – all attempting to lure the revellers away from the next door Uber stall.  Unfortunately, after 5pm, the Delta stall vanishes, never to be seen again. Just like that Delta you ordered on Friday.