It’s time somebody said it: LEVEL is awful

It’s hailed as the “Ultimate clubbing experience” on its website. If “ultimate” means packed, “clubbing” means listening to the same remix of Rihanna every hour and “experience” buckles down to something that’s forced upon you on AU night, then it really is exactly what it sets out to be. ‘Level’ (NOT ‘LEVELS’!) is one of those nights where you instantly regret walking in and where the chicken shop turns out to be the best part of the night.

You end up on an accidental night out, hitting up the classic bars, shots galore and then someone from the squad goes ‘OMG LEVEL WEDNESDAYS’ and everyone rushes over to join the back of the queue. Oh shut up Heather, you’re too drunk to make good decisions. Why are we all following your lead? You pissed next to the 699 bus stop 10 minutes ago. You’re in no position to tell us what we should do.

Smiling through the pain

There are many reasons why you might make this decision and end up queuing for a stupid length of time and paying FIVE POUNDS for entry as Scotty T from Geordie Shore is there. However, none of the following are justified reasons: “EVERYONE will be there”, “it’s the only decent place on a Wednesday” and “it’s got cheap drinks.” The worst reason however is “OMG I LOVE THE TOP FLOOR, IT’S SO FUNNY!” If you love raving to a bit of Girls Aloud or B*witched, then go to ‘Popworld’ and accept your fate.

Another thing that’s irritating about Level is when it’s a Friday or Saturday, there are groups of “buff” lads roaming around, like a lion in mating season, in the only blazer they own trying to hit on every girl under the sun with a bottle of grey goose in one hand and a lack of personal privacy in the other. I’m sorry hun, but you’re coming on way too strong and it’s making the whole squad uncomfortable. We don’t care that you know a member of the Liverpool FC reserves and you can take us to the VIP area. Leave us alone.

Cringe overdose

Another infuriating thing about Level is the pole dancing girls, fire breathers and ‘circus acts.’ It’s all a very clever distraction for the fact that the club is very generic. But it is entertaining to see a drunk lad chat up one of the girls in the smoking area on her break.

One popular misconception is the “middle floor is okay.” Well, if a Poundland version of ‘Juicy’ existed, this would be what it would look like if Satan designed it. Creepy guys mixed with the blistering sound of “hey shawty it’s your birthday” and “it’s getting hot in herrrrrrrrrre” alongside constantly spilling your drinks because it’s so busy, is not the definition of “okay” to me. Take me to the smoking area I BEG.

Literally the only photo I own of me in Level, I want to keep it this way.

The smoking area – the saving grace of Level. There are so many seats, everyone is friendly and on hand to offer a lighter and it’s so easy to find someone to pull. Like literally, you can turn around and chat to someone and be necking off in 2 minutes. It’s the only way to deal with how god-awful Level is. Actually, the only other good thing about this shit excuse for a nightclub is the groundfloor men’s toilet with the one-way mirror which allows you to effectively piss on the club. This is the “ultimate clubbing experience” I tell ya.

On a final note. Please stop calling it Levels – IT’S FUCKING LEVEL. L-E-V-E-L. Why do people need to add the ‘s’ to it? Like it gives some extra class to the place or something?

Sigh, Level will still be the place where all students flock to on a Wednesday night (RIP #MedWednesdays) and it’ll still be the place where all new freshers spend every weekend at for months on end. This will never change. Try to embrace it when it happens to you and celebrate when you move on to bigger and better things.