All the stages of your third year crisis

January exams are over and a new semester is upon us. It feels like most people are able to enjoy themselves and party three times a week, eating takeaways and missing their lectures. But not the humble third year. Third years are currently experiencing a crisis in every aspect of their life – they have no control anymore. The aptly named ‘third year crisis’ dates back to approx. 1623AD and dictates that every third year in their final term goes slightly crazy over how much work they have to do, lets themselves go, and becomes a social hermit.

Obviously, the library becomes your first home and real home becomes your second

You spend more time on campus than you ever have before. In first year you’d be spending endless nights smashing pints in the Guild before hitting up Juicy, but now that the final semester of third year has kicked in your only experience of the guild is nipping in to use the loo on your way to your lecture. Forget the Sphinx’s cheap Friday pints, you’re more likely to be caught sneaking a few cans into the SJ whilst you’re in your pyjamas than necking strangers in Concert Square. You eat your dinner there, you Facetime your parents there and you even catch up on First Dates in the warm cosy atmosphere of the social study space. Admit it, you basically live here now. At least it’s not busy now exams are over and freshers have deserted the library.

You’re now a heavy smoker

You were never a big of fan of smoking when you started uni but you were always partial to the occasional toke on a night out; second year came around and you were buying 20 Sterling’s from time to time. Now look at you: buying 12g Golden Virginia every week under the guise that you’ll “stop after exams”. You’re in and out of the SJ every hour with your rollie, desperately saving every last toke to avoid carrying on with your work. However at least you get to see your library crush more often now because they’re doing the exact same and “stress smoking.”

“I have 3 deadlines, house drama and my boyfriend wants ‘to talk'”

Your procrastination takes weird turns

You don’t know how it happened. You were just listening to a deep house mix to help you study the history of Latin American dictators and now you’re 6 episodes into ‘Airline’ on Youtube. Before you know it, you’re watching JoJo perform her whole repertoire at the O2 Academy Islington and it’s three in the morning. Who knew she had so many bangers? Well done you’ve ruined your sleeping pattern, again.

Similarly, most people who don’t experience this crisis may take a break to go hang out with their friends in the kitchen but no, not you. Your type of procrastination is very different. You’ve deep-cleaned your bathroom, using three bottles of bleach and you are actually smiling for the first time in weeks. You’ve lost the plot; as proven by the massive house argument that occurs because Becky spilt some shampoo on the floor. You never liked Becky.

Cleaning solves all problems

You don’t go out…

You simply don’t have time. How do people actually do it after freshers week?! It’s a mystery. Also you stopped wearing make up and shaving weeks ago, it’ll be too much effort.

Who needs the Raz when you have Gilmore Girls?

…and if you do, you’re a mess

You’ve planned your night out for months, your squad have all booked it off work and all made sure you don’t have deadlines for about a week. You pre with about three bottles of wine each, you hit up Cava, Faculty, Black Rabbit (maybe?) then literally anywhere that will let a group of paralytic idiots in. You probably end up in Popworld embarrassing yourself on the poles, taking stupid photos in the Girls Aloud cutouts and asking the DJ for ‘Dilemma’. You scream as soon as you hear it as you *really are* in a dilemma and Nelly understands how stressful third year can be. And then you remember you’re single. Your best mate drags you to Krunchy Fried Chicken whilst you’re mid-crisis rant.

Committed fan

You stress about stressing about what you’re going to do after you finish

‘”What are you doing next year?” is the one question you dread to hear. It seems everyone around you has their life planned out and no matter how many grad schemes you apply for, masters applications you send off and how many interviews you go on, you don’t get anything. This all whilst still doing all your normal work for uni. You pretend to everyone who asks that you’re going to go travelling and find yourself in Asia, but we all know you’ve maxed out your overdraft and that is just a dream. Essentially you cry, then panic, then panic about crying and wasting valuable studying time, then cry again, then fall asleep.

Save us God

You get invested in the lives of the people you see the SJ every day

You always sit in the same spot in the Grove Wing. They always sit in the same spot opposite you. You don’t know their name, but god do you know everything going on in their life. Every time a friend of theirs walks past, you pull your headphones out and you are equally shocked that Michelle has slept with Steven even though she only just broke up with her boyfriend last week. You get as excited as they do when they’re printing off their essay to hand in and you just *love* that top they wore last week. You even start fancying them because you see them so goddamn much – I wonder if they notice you? Yeah, no, they definitely don’t.

You spend an inordinate amount of money on meal deals/subways

When you wake up at 9am, because you bloody have to, you simply don’t have enough time to prepare your lunch for a hard day’s work. Every day you try a different meal deal and rate them with your friends as you don’t have any other interesting things to talk about anymore. If you really want to push the boat out, treating yourself to a Subway is the perfect way to liven up a semi-breakdown about the dissertation meeting you’re about to have. You’re also really angry that you spend so much on food that you could have easily prepared at home, but you still do it every day.

Let’s be honest the Chicken Salad is the best

Admit it, you know these characteristics won’t die until you’ve handed in your diss. And even then, you’ve got to start the world of work very soon. You’re a new person now,  and you hate it.