How to break all the rules in your student accommodation

When you first move into your accommodation, your very own expensive little box, which probably doesn’t have an en-suite, the first worry is making it look as homely and personal as possible. When your fresher friends have pre-drinks there you don’t want them to feel like they’re in a hospital room. You’ve been given a list of endless rules, but fuck it, you’re a fresher!

Once you hear about all the stuff your mates have done, are kept awake by all the parties simultaneously going on ’til 5am, and can smell the pungent odour of weed leaking through your flatmate’s doors, you know that the seal is broken and you may as well join in and risk your deposit for the sake of the sesh. Here’s a handy guide on what rules you should break and how.

You agree that you will occupy the room/flat for personal residential purposes only 

Funding nights out becomes difficult after first semester, loans fuck us over and money will definitely become short at some point. Start selling MDMA from your flat to boost your earnings, someone needs to buy all those shots. Business students you’ve got this one.

‘How to start a home business’

You agree not to smoke in the Property, including E-cigarettes

In Liverpool it’s basically winter eight months a year. The weather is shit and nobody wants to stand around in the rain, especially as student accommodation usually fails to provide any shelter for smokers – Philharmonic we’re looking at you. Stick a sock over the fire alarm and have a cig.

Primitive man discovers tobacco (10,o00 BC, colourized)

You agree not to make excessive levels of noise

Your flatmates didn’t take this into account when they were having extremely loud sex at 3am, so nor will you when you fancy sticking some tunes on and having a dance around your room. Pres aren’t meant to be quiet, just turn down the music once an RA is spotted.

I’ll be as loud as I want

You agree not to tamper with our fire prevention systems and control equipment 

As previously stated, nobody has time for going outside for cigs. Housemate having a birthday? Candles are needed. Also, everyone has that one flatmate that can’t cook anything other than pasta. The one time they attempt to make something more complicated smoke fills the flat and a fire is just about avoided. Fire alarms are noisy and irritating, fire doors are good enough… right?

Fancy a cig?

You agree to use designated fire escapes except for the purposes of emergency escape

One night stands are always an awkward concept in the morning, especially if you don’t want all your flatmates gossiping about you… or you’ve got a boyfriend back home. Use the fire escape to conveniently get rid of them, tell them you’re having issues with the front room – even if they did enter through it 40 minutes ago.

Using your fire escape window to help your one night stands leave

You agree not to keep, store or use any fuel burning appliance in the property, including candles

Candles are an essential for any cute uni room. Those nights when you don’t feel like going on the sesh you need Netflix and a few candles. To avoid fire alarms going off refer to the sock over the fire alarm point.

So cute tho

You agree not to keep any animal, bird, insect or reptile

Everyone has become homesick at uni at some point, you need a bestie with you for comfort. Whether it be a hamster or a snail, nobody ever needs to know. No rules or deposits are going to separate true love.

Don’t tell me Marilyn and Colombo the giant African land snails aren’t on the guest-list

You agree not to hang clothes or fabrics out of the windows or doors of the property

If student has the audacity to charge everyone £2 to use the tumble dryer, they can’t be surprised when people start hanging clothes out of windows. How else are you meant to get that perfect dress dry in time for Level tonight?

who needs an airer from IKEA?