Britain struck by bum cheek epidemic

In the dreary depths of winter, it is hard to imagine anything that could endanger our enjoyment of  long, warm summer days.

However, there lies a dark underbelly (or should I say underbum) that threatens the young women of Britain – the bum cheek epidemic.

Trend forecasters became aware of this worrying infection during the spring/summer of 2011, but despite the valiant efforts of relief teams such as DSF (Denim Sans Frontiers) and the Derriere Protection Movement , the contagious disease had spread even further by June 2012.

Reports now indicate that 2013 will be fatal for the self-respect of British women.

A recent mutation of this malady has caused it to become increasingly resistant to weather, and specialists are now at a loss over what can be done to halt this epidemic.

Often, the disease begins innocently enough; the bum cheeks begin to appear from beneath the fabric, but the poor victim is remains blissfully unaware of the peril that lies ahead.

However, this malady quickly begins to spread. As an airborne disease, carried by American Apparel adverts and Rihanna’s instagram, it is able to swiftly penetrate the stock of popular high street shops.

Victims are hypnotized into believing that they will turn into a Terry Richardson fantasy, while any notions of discomfort and public embarrassment are eradicated from their thoughts.

Just as J.M Charcot explored the rapid spread of hysteria among nineteenth-century french nuns, the group mentality among modern females allows the bum cheek epidemic to infiltrate even the most modest of friendship circles.

Once one poor girl is struck down, the rest will surely follow. Whole wardrobes of shorts weep as they are brutally shorn down to the bare minimum in the quest for trend domination.

The troubling question remains – where will this end? The Society for the Protection of Decency have been relentlessly petitioning to try and raise awareness, but this epidemic shows no signs of slowing down.

Concerns have been raised by the international textile industry as they face declining demand for denim, a move that could cripple the economic stability of many Asian textile communities.

Thankfully, there lies a beacon of hope as leading fashion industry figures have planned a summit for September 2013, to discuss and co-ordinate efforts to eliminate this horrifying epidemic for good.

Industry insiders suggest that it may be combated by a proliferation of long johns on the September Fashion week catwalks.

In the meantime, remain vigilant. Bum cheek epidemic can strike when least expected.