Manchester’s shittest halls

They’re our first port of call in Manchester and so often they come to define our first year.

University halls sit at the heart of the student bubble and so often they foster an allegiance from students that can last for decades. You could say that “once a Fallowfielder, always a Fallowfielder” –  indeed, anyone who tries to insult a resident of this student hub does so at their own peril…

But as always, mixed with the great is the crap – and as any UoM student will tell you, Manchester is renowned for its shitty halls.

So if you work for the Accommodation Office, turn away now: we’ve put The Tab to the test to see which of Manchester’s halls we can crown the worst.

5. Wright Robinson

Is it even on the map?

Where?

Located in the middle of, well nowhere, this hall kicks off the list at #5. Is it in the city campus, is it even in Manchester – who can tell? If you don’t know where this one is located, it’s because no one ever does. You might have spotted it getting off the train from Piccadilly. A tower-block monstrosity staring from the distance, many fresh faced students glance, frown and promptly walk in the opposite direction.

Bad luck Wright Robinson, weren’t you ever told that location is everything?

4. Whitworth Park

Proximity to Greggs: Whitworth Park’s only positive?

Pretty

We all know why people apply – falling out of bed and into you lecture is just too appealing to post-A-level students. But once arriving, most realise that Whitworth Park is just a worse version of any average Fallowfield hall. If there is one positive it’s that it’s close to Greggs.

But at the end of the day, you’re not in the city and you’re not in Fallowfield – in fact you’re basically living on campus.

3. Dalton Ellis Hall

Less fun than a druid cult?

At least it looks fancy from the outside

DE Hall has got itself quite a reputation… for reasons no one can quite tell. Known to accommodate the stranger set of Manc’s student freshers, this is the hall you really don’t want to be at.

Nearby halls have been known to chant incendiary insults as they pass this place on nights out. Wholly unoriginal and only mildly offensive they may well be – yet in the eyes of many they aptly highlight the odd reputation this hall has managed to acquire.

Eager to get under the skin of this wayward institution, we went searching to uncover what local Manc students really think about the place.

One student and ex-inhabitant told The Tab what you can expect at DE:

“Awkward dinners in an undersized canteen coupled with a social scene as enjoyable as that of a Druid cult make living in Dalton Ellis less enjoyable than a period of drawn out self-asphyxiation.

They added: “The only positive thing about this depressing area is the frequented bus route next to it on Upper Brook Street, where I could always jump out and end the misery if it so took my fancy.”

Extreme views? Perhaps not in light of this halls reputation!

2. St. Gabs

Won’t need these here!

Sounds like a laugh

Manchester’s all-female hall, St. Gabriel’s makes it into 2^nd position. For so long unsuspecting men have entered its hallowed corridors, convinced that luck – via statistics – has to be on their side. But time and time again, they walk out in a perfectly fashioned line, always empty handed, Durex always intact.

With socials that struggle to exceed 25 people, this hall has probably never been described as a ‘party place’.

The Tab spoke exclusively to Victoria Park student James Eyke, who said Gabs is:

“An overbearing cesspit of misplaced comradeship and feminism, this oestrogen fuelled hall of anti-drinking sex deprived girls more closely represents a 1940s Irish convent than a modern day University Hall”.

Words of wisdom for so many – this hall makes it to #2.

1. Owens Park

A real eye sore

Spacious

Bare brick chic

I mean, what else were you expecting? The most infamous of Manchester’s (infamous) accommodation, Owens Park makes it as the shittest Manchester hall. Such an eye sore, most wouldn’t be surprised if it was mistaken for HM Prison Owens Park – and it stands tall over the Manchester skyline, daring unprepared fresher’s to enter through its door.

You have to be tough to survive here, because this hall is seriously shit. The Tower Challenge perfectly embodies the culture of this vomit stained building and the never-ending pounding of rock, pop and grunge goes far to explaining how its students achieve an annual 30% failure rate. Perks do exist. Magic Bus Lady will welcome you home in the evening and no doubt you’ll soon learn to love her loud rhetoric.

But that’s where the perks end, because this isn’t a hall – it’s a challenge. IT’s the Mancs warped version of a (far more alcohol-ridden) Project X – in walk the unsuspecting freshers come September and out limp the drugged-up, vomit-breath, brain-cell-impaired former students who, for nine long months, called this place home. Who will survive? It’s hard to tell.

Apologies Owen’s Park… but you can’t say you were surprised?