Bolton is a shithole, but it’s our shithole

When you grow up in Bolton, you grow up knowing that your hometown is shit.

But for some incomprehensible reason we’re a proud town. We’re proud to be from Bolton and proud to acknowledge how shit we are. The reason Bolton is so great is because, like Bolton’s national hero Peter Kay, we aren’t afraid to laugh at ourselves. We don’t try to make out that it’s a nice place to live, our Council doesn’t invest millions to “transform the town”, and we don’t harbor any pretentious views about ourselves.

Here’s why Bolton is a place we love to hate:

Google’s not a fan

Its aesthetic

Just look at it. It’s not trying to be avant-garde, hipster, clean or anything else that it’s not. Forget the chewing gum-littered streets, it’s about what’s inside that counts.

Bleak

The locals are friendly

Trisha, Jade, Chantelle, Dazza – our town centre McDonalds and the skate-park by Morrisons are inhabited by Bolton’s finest. Not forgetting the older generation, who can be seen stumbling around by the Job Centre, Yates or The Dragonfly (gone are the days of the infamous Flying Shuttle/Lying Slut). We may not be as classy as those in Surrey, but we’re fuss-free and will say hi when we pass you on the street.

Put a Donk on it

Our great chav culture once got us into the charts, and back in 2007, everyone would hear the Bolton accent via Blackout Crew’s bassline Put A Donk On It. We don’t care how embarrassing that Vice documentary about “the Donk scene” was. Everyone in Bolton’s claim to fame is going to the same school as, or living near, someone from the Blackout Crew, and sometimes we will secretly, and nostalgically “put a Donk on.”

Have you written on Drangonfly’s toilet doors yet?

There’s a university

Sure, no one’s ever heard of it, but we’ve got our own university. People say people only go there because it’s close to home, but it’s actually pretty good. It’s Buisiness School in particular is fire, has a student body of around 11,000, and has won awards for it’s teaching quality.

Pound Chippy

Where else can you find a pound-bakery, pound-pub and a pound-chippy? The chips and gravy only cost £1.

Cheap as chips

Our accent may be thick but we love it

We drop our t’s, pronounce bath with an f and pronounce bus with a z. Our accents are strange and we have to yell at Siri about eight times before he gets it, but we can deliver a sarcastic anecdote like no other. We can say Peter Kay’s “Gaarlic bread”, and Paddy McGuiness’ “No likey, no lighty” much much better than you so please stop saying it in your “best” northern impersonation at us every time we tell you where we’re from.

YOLO

Maybe one day Drake will come and visit our burger and milkshake place- Yolo. We’ve evolved from the teenage use of “yolo” as an excuse for anything, and we’ve paired it with food. We’re a town of entrepreneurs.

Yolo beats Nandos

Bolton Wanderers

We’ve been relegated for years and we’re about to go into administration. Our team may not be number one, but we do have the best chants. plus that Peter Kay, Tony Christie video was pretty cool.

You know what to expect from nights out

Nights out haven’t been the same since Ikon shut down. They’re terrible, but that’s what’s so great about them. We know we’re going to end up in clubs with embarrassing names like Lush or Bamboogy and hear the same Pitbull songs a hundred times over.

There’s always something happening on the way home

We’ll probably witness two or three fights in the street and several completely wasted girls staggering in the road with their heels in their hands, or throwing up in the loos. And we will somehow end up in Levels wondering how we got so drunk we decided it was an okay place to be. But the next morning when we get up and assess the damage, besides the cracking hangover and the aftertaste of cheap WKD, we had a pretty good night for under £20.

Free fishbowl though

Even our taxi rank has a pub

Bar Metro is one of the best things about Bolton. You just wait in the pub and they order you a taxi. Alternatively, Food Factory isn’t far away, and they order you a taxi whilst you get your kebab- is this heaven? Plus we now have Uber if you’re out of change.

01204 69 69 69

It’s known for crime so we’re a lot tougher

“I went to Bolton once, but as I got out of the train station someone stole my wallet, so I just got back on the train and left.” Just don’t go through Daubhill, Tonge Moore or Johnson Fold at night, never ever go to Queen’s Park and you should be alright.

The Tab are holding a competition for the best hometown. If you think you’re one is better than this, email [email protected] telling us why.