Everything that will happen on a night out at Fifth

Fifth has divided opinion in Manchester since time immemorial. The marmite of the Manchester club scene, it is both loved and hated by students and locals alike.

In June it was voted the worst club in the whole of the UK – yes, even worse than Tiger Tiger. Here’s everything that will happen on a night out at Britain’s worst club.

“Fuck it, fancy just going to Fifth?”

A night out at Fifth is never planned more than a day in advance. You know you want to go out, and after a few drinks and a lack of other options the realisation slowly hits you. It’s time for another 90s night. At least you don’t need a ticket, you tell yourself, taking a deep breath and clutching your last can.

You miss 90p entry

It was a nice thought.

Smile, we paid £3 for this.

At least one mate is lost to the toilets

“You’ll be here right? Wait here. I’ll be 5 minutes.”

You wait for what seems like an eternity, humming along to the theme tunes of Friends and Fresh Prince. Looking around as Sk8r Boi comes on, you realise you will probably never see them again. Nice knowing you.

You realise the ‘DJ’ is just a 40 year old with a Spotify Premium playlist

If the music sounds the same, that’s because it never fucking changes. The main room will play Teenage Dirtbag at 1am every night, you’ll put your hands up because you have a ten dollar bill and the night will close with Oasis. Rinse and repeat.

Teenage dirtbags

There is outrage over the smoking area wristband

A wristband? Really? To make things worse you’re crowded into one of the smallest and stuffiest areas in Fifth – and that’s saying a lot.

Cut off the wristband and burn it when you’re home to destroy any evidence you were actually here.

There’s a special guest for 90’s night that just makes you feel really old

You used to love ChuckleVision when you were younger, and now the stars of your childhood are partying it up in Fifth. Eight year old you would be impressed, but at the same time it just reminds you that you’re getting a bit old.

To me, to you

You bump into someone from your course

“Nah mate, I don’t even go here normally I swear, not my thing, I’d much rather be at Antwerp or South just for the atmosphere you know, the good vibes, my flat actually dragged me here, I don’t even like 90s music.”

They see through your lies.

You get creeped on

Fifth is notorious for this – it’s more than likely hearing T2’s smash hit Heartbroken drove them to quench their loneliness by creeping on anyone and everyone they can find.

You find yourself singing your heart out at 3am to Champagne Supernova

Everyone’s smashed, your lost mate has returned from the toilet trip he took three hours ago and you have a 9am tomorrow but fuelled up on £1 drinks and hours of cheesy hits you’ll think it’s a great idea to slur along to the words even though you only know the chorus.

It seems like a great idea at the time until you realise your mate got it all on Snapchat.

Yeh mate I’m well good

One of your mates takes it a bit too far 

R.I.P. x

There’s always one.

Second year Michael offered us his thoughts on Fifth, telling The Tab; “The reason it’s called Fifth is because its five times better than any other club. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure, people pretend to hate it then go and have the time of their lives.”

@jakebell96