How to pull that person you’ve been eyeing up in the library

Many of us exist simultaneously crippled by loneliness but also do not have the self-esteem to step foot in a Revs. Well, a change is on the way. The ice-caps are melting, the patriarchy still exists and exams are coming. The nature of courtship is changing. Change with it or die alone.

The library offers its own distinct challenges, namely the struggle of flirting in soberly silence whilst pretending to do work. Here are a selection of the best ways to achieve romantic success in the library.

These tips are universal and can be used by everyone on anyone. Good luck.

Music

To let people know how counter-culture you really are by accidentally unplugging your headphones from your MacBook. Every potential mating partner within earshot will know exactly what you are about.

The song you choose is important. Do you smoke roll ups, wear Vans and cuff your jeans? Why not play some Mac Demarco. Did you vote for UKIP? Get Morrissey on the decks. Do you wish you were never born? Why not give Meghan Trainor some airtime.

Maybe even play an advert for Spotify so people you try to court know that you are just a down to earth kind of person who can’t afford Spotify premium. A well timed song can say more about you than words ever can.

Books

Finding the one in the library can be eased by making them come to you. A tactic commonly used is finding books which you feel best represent you, then filling it with different aspects of yourself.

For example, I have hidden a lock of my hair, a scratch-card and an inhaler in every copy of Noam Chomsky’s Hegemony and Survival along with my burner phone number so people who may be enticed by the heft of my jib can contact me. It may be a long wait, but it is almost certainly worthwhile.

Charlotte inserting a lighter, quorn sausage roll and ventolin inhaler into 'Basically: My Life as a Real Essex Girl' (Collins, 2013).

Everything needed to take the one's breath away. Inhaler's are not mandatory but strongly advised.

Smile

A smile is the best way of submitting yourself to another person. Showing your teeth to potential partners shows they are your superior, a vice irresistible to everyone.

A candid smile is hard to achieve so for most sincerity I recommend using the element of surprise. Smile at people as they leave the toilet or place your cheeky grin behind a book and hope some lucky person picks it out.

You enter the library for Jean-Paul Sartre, you leave with your soulmate. A smile is all it takes to get there.

Food and drink

Showing your status is particularly challenging when cutting shapes or skanking in a library is frowned upon. A way of doing this with perhaps greater subtlety is by what food and drink you bring with you.

If you want to ascend the gastronomical hierarchy, nothing will show your unwavering morality and zest for life better than a BBQ Jackfruit wrap. It goes without saying that water is the only viable option for a drink in the library.

The matter at hand is what container you opt for. A plastic bottle is a classic option; however you then run the risk of being known as a smart water prick which could leave you romantically shunned for the rest of your degree. Observations have taught me that a metal water flask is most effective. It casually shows your pervasive social consciousness, appreciation of utility and that you are capable of bringing any future sexual partner to orgasm.

A smart water prick. This sight will repel everyone who gazes upon him. His eyes dense with shame and loneliness, his fertility is but a myth.

Clothing

"In the valley of the silent, the person wearing 95s is king."

When verbal communication is not an option, let your clothes/garms do the talking for you. Let people know the kind of person you are. Treat every stretch of the library like a cat walk and allow people to see what you have to offer.

Be yourself. As a man with a body in the state of Kim Kardashian's afterbirth I tend to stick to the formula of a baggy shirt and cuffed jeans to avoid unnecessary public shaming.

Start Smoking

The social hub of any respectable library is the smoking area. Nothing creates intimacy quite like inhaling carcinogens. Asking or giving someone a paper, filter (not menthol) or a cheeky pinch of tobacco is the best way to initiate small talk that can then soon become holding hands under the desk for moral support.

A Rizla is the post-it-note of the iconoclast. Writing messages on it like "how that thing do?" or "I’m lonely" can enable communication in the places where noise is most strictly prohibited.

An affectionate love note. Let it burn like the fire for romance in your decaying heart.