It’s 2016 but people STILL treat me differently because I’m gay

A word from the student: I want this article to be about spreading awareness, not creating sympathy for me personally. I’m not speaking on behalf of every gay person, just answering your questions using my own experiences and hoping that there are others who can relate.

Hello. I have a few questions that I pulled together and some have been provided by others. My first question is, how did you know when you were gay?

You just know. I hate it when people ask – and they used to say this a lot – “How do you know that you’re gay if you’ve never tried it with a girl?” You never ask straight people how they know they’re straight and tell them to “make sure” by trying their own sex. Fair enough, some people want to take their time to experiment but doesn’t mean gay people are automatically less sure of their sexuality than straight people. Some guys find Justin Bieber really fit – doesn’t mean they’re gay.

How can you tell if someone else is gay? Say on a night out?

I ask them, particularly if there’s eye contact on more than a few occasions – not that I want to scare people out of accidentally looking at others. This idea of “gaydar” though is ridiculous, we can’t read minds or feel some kind of ‘gay pulse,’ you’ve just got to work up the confidence to ask them.

There’s no such thing as “gaydar”

Do you ever have any problems accidentally hitting on straight people?

Yes. Most people are fine, they’ll just say “No” and leave it at that but I’ll get the occasional “Fuck off” or someone angling for a fight. Sometimes fights occur before I’m even aware I’ve caused any offence. There was this one occasion when I was at the bar and then all of a sudden I was surrounded like it was a Year 11 school fight.

What’s the worst kind of insult to you?

Most words for being gay don’t insult me anymore – I use them just as much as the next person. It’s like saying ‘Lord Voldemort’ again and again. The more commonly used it is, the less power it seems to have. But again, I‘m not every gay person, some will take offence.

“Faggot” is still my least favourite – just because of the historical implications. It means “bundle of sticks,” as in the bundle of sticks used to kindle the fire when gay people were burnt at the stake. It’s not like everyone knows that, but in a way that makes it worse. They have to understand what they’re saying.

Like when someone says, “That looks so gay” – well why? What does it even mean to look gay? – unless there’s literally a statue of a man with a penis in his mouth or something.

Have you ever had any difficulties befriending people because of your sexuality?

Definitely. So many guys are paranoid that I fancy them. I have lost a few friends over the years because of it. One minute everything was cool, I could just be with them whenever and go to town with them whenever, the next I just straight up wasn’t accepted. I was no longer their friend- just gay. Then people began to bully.

Some of them defended me, it wasn’t all bad, but it’s interesting to see who your true friends are. It also shocked me to find that even in the twenty-first century homophobia is still a big thing.

Stop assuming I fancy you

Have you told your parents that you’re gay?

One of them – although now I kind of wish they didn’t know. I was always comfortable with myself regardless of their acceptance but now I have to deal with a million questions, “Why are you inviting that boy round?”etc etc. It’s so obsessive. I know that for many people it can help get a weight off their chest and, good for them, but to me it just didn’t feel any different.

Also, I know what my family’s like – they’re quite homophobic. I’m still scared of telling both my parents, I heard them remarking on a gay wedding once saying it was “disgusting” and it made me kind of sick inside.

Have things got better or worse for you at uni do you think?

Better. Definitely. I don’t know if that’s just because everyone’s more grown up or if the people here are just genuinely more accepting, but I have fewer problems.

Also, I’d just like to say that my life doesn’t revolve around homophobic people. More and more people are becoming accepting and respectful of people’s sexual orientations. There will be people out there in much worse situations than I who are subject to physical and mental abuse and I can’t claim to empathise with their pain. I’ve had my incidences and other people have had theirs, it just disappoints me that shit still happens.

Being at uni has helped

What could straight people do to help, or make things easier in the future?

Just be kind. If someone hits on you on a night out be courteous and say “Sorry I’m not gay but good luck.” Take it as a compliment; it took a lot of courage to ask you in the first place.

Also, try not to draw attention to homosexual relationships. Yes ok, you might think you’re having a laugh clapping because you see a gay couple making out in a club, but why bother? People make out all the time, no need to make a spectacle of it.

Same goes for whispering about any LGBTQ+ on the bus or in public. For example, when people are transitioning between the sexes or finding their voice in their appearance it can be a phase of great vulnerability and self-consciousness. This shouldn’t be a topic of discussion for you and your friends and I want people to think carefully about what they do in public.

Is there anything you would like to say, in general?

Yes. My attraction to men doesn’t define me. I can dress how I want, act how I want and talk to anyone. My school friends used to call me a “shit gay” because I wasn’t camp and didn’t hang out with girls like I was ‘supposed’ to. But here’s where I want to draw the distinction: ‘camp’ is just an attribute, it doesn’t mean gay. A lot of gay guys aren’t camp, flamboyant, or the ‘gay best friend’ you see in the movies, you’re just more likely to notice the ones that are. I’m just a guy who likes guys – and Video Games and nights out and occasionally like to burst into a musical number.

Also, my advice is, if anyone has friends who are constantly bringing them down whether you are homosexual or not, it’s time to get new friends. It could save you a lot of hassle.

Thank for answering these questions and for your honesty.

No problem, hope it helps.