How to spot a Tory or a Labour student

The tedious political mainstream are fairly null and void in our colourful university. Unlike the Marxists, they do not hand out leaflets in black jackets with rolled up cigarettes hanging from their lips.

They are not the Bristol Left, who can usually be seen occupying a certain event in the name of justice or climate change. Nor are they the liberty-loving, Ayn Rand-espousing, democracy-shunning ‘Freedom Society’ members, who can usually be seen waving their arms frantically at the Student Union buildings, shouting garbled free market doctrine.

No, the Labour and Tory students tend to blend in. As potential future politicians, they like to do a David Cameron and ‘hug a hoodie’, pretend they’re ‘one of the guys’ who ‘likes a beer’ and ‘likes friendly, politically correct fun.’

Tory Students

If the trousers don’t give it away, the arrogance will

They are your typically loud, posh, boorish and fairly arrogant men. They are normally seen on drunken rampages around the University, talking little of politics and lots about hunting, shooting and fishing.

They will most likely have locks of curly hair, wear loud ties and strapping colourful shirts, intertwined with a marvellous tweed jacket.

They ride to battle with red chinos in the front seat of a Landrover, cigar in one hand and a bottle of stupidly, off student budget port in the other. These incredibly well connected men tend to be seen in wildly priced bars, wine societies or any Wills formal.

Labour Students

They won’t drink and won’t want you to either

If you want to understand Labour Students, you have to realise that they hearken back to the tradition of Puritanism. They will not be smoking, nor will they be drinking. They will probably not be talking much either, as they “don’t want to offend anyone with different views”.

This is their raison d’être – causing a scene or causing offence will put a big black (coloured) blot on their Labour Student Representative Council spreadsheet (the guys love admin) and therefore will no doubt wear grey uniform clothes.

You will probably not find them anywhere – like vampires, they fear the outside. They’ll wear a safety helmet, due to an incessant need to keep fit and healthy, as well as fear of falling on loose paving stone. Safety first.

I think it’s fairly easy to conclude that mainstream politics is not just boring, but it’s dead in the water.

Instead, go and have a highly intellectual boozy chat with ‘Freedom Society’, stage a protest with the Bristol Left in the name of ‘Fracking’ or some other cause they feel is not getting enough attention, or get very drunk with the Marxists, chain smoke, bitch about capitalism and talk of revolution.