There’s no room in the library so we spent the afternoon reading in sofa shops

Once upon a time, we were hard-working A-level students whose social life consisted of tea at the Conservative Club and Downton Abbey Sundays. Since coming to the big, bad world of uni though we’ve rather lost our way, especially after that “trip” to Lakota a few Fridays ago.

Hattie felt compelled to undertake some spiritual cleansing and with a few hours to spare – and no spare seats in the ASS – we decided to take Hattie’s bible up Whiteladies Road to the sofas and armchairs of the road’s many furniture stores.

Obviously, you’re not meant to go to these shops to read a book (even the good one) so it basically became a game of seeing how long it took before they threw us out.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer (Romans 12:12)

The Sofa Library

Time in shop: 4 mins 36 seconds

Staff Response: Ignored Hattie until 4 mins 23 seconds when she was asked to leave using language not appropriate around the Bible.

General Atmosphere: Hattie blended in so well with the sophisticated neutral colour scheme that it was practically a game of hide-and-seek.

Comfort Rating: Medium rare.

Chalon

Time in shop: 17 mins 13 seconds

Staff Response: Remarkably friendly. We thought at one point they’d offer us some tea and cakes.

General Atmosphere: Very pleasant, it took a whole 16 mins before the odd looks started. We felt very much at home.

Comfort Rating: Although Hattie’s overall experience was lovely the kitchen stool itself was pretty standard.

Ripples

Time in shop: 127 hours (that’s how long it felt anyway)

Staff Response: To the charming fellow who gave Hattie a full tour, three brochures and didn’t judge when she got in the bath, will you be our belated Valentine? What more could you want from a guy, he had all the moves and knew his tap from his pipes ;).

General Atmosphere: Love was in the air.

Comfort Rating: Hattie needed dragging out the bath as she was starting to nap and even Prince Charming was starting to judge.

Sofa Workshop

Time in shop: 5 mins 12 seconds

Staff Response: One super-keen woman was manning the shop, and as Hattie was the only customer she was all over her like a rash making it hard for her to focus on Exodus.

General Atmosphere: As barren as the Judean Desert.

Comfort Rating: We would happily spend our student loan on the velvet cushions.

Sharps

Time in shop: 20 mins 12 seconds

Staff Response: Shoutout to the elderly couple that distracted the shopkeeper while Hattie skimmed through the final verses of Deuteronomy. Once they left, it all kicked off in the most passive-aggressive encounter we’ve ever experienced.

“Surely you can’t expect me to let you continue to sit in our window display, you do realise we have real customers to deal with?” #turntheothercheeck

General Atmosphere: Even Celina felt the awkwardness from across the street

Comfort Rating: SO SQUISHY!

Having walked through the valley of the shadow of Whiteladies, Hattie emerged with many brochures