Can Poundland’s sex toys help you bang on a budget?

Poundland: quite useful for snacks and homewares, terrific for the biographies of C-list celebrities. It’s probably not the place you go to for anything remotely sexy.

Then I heard rumours of a £1 vibrating bullet. Maybe Poundland could sort me out? I had to go and find one of these bad boys for myself.

Enough buzz for your buck?

I picked up one “playful” vibrating bullet, as well as some “sensual lubricating jelly” and a two-in-one massage and lubricating gel. I also bought some AA batteries because, like every disappointing Christmas toy, batteries are not included.

The things I do for journalism…

I came home and showed off my haul to my astounded flatmate, who was squeamish even at the sight of the packaging. The first thing that I noticed was the size of the bullet, which was vacuum packed like some sort of exotic sausage. It dwarfs my dainty Ann Summers Quantum bullet, but size isn’t everything I suppose.

The Poundland bullet also only has one speed, though I’m impressed by its power. After some thorough testing I’m really impressed by it, which isn’t so elegant or nuanced as other bullets out there but does the job nonetheless. The only downsides are that it is by no means discreet at almost 14 cm and it has no on/off button, you have to unscrew the bottom to turn this thing off. But it’s simple, cheap (surprise) and fun, and I’d definitely recommend it.

Is bigger better?

Next I tried the lubricating jelly to see how “sensual” it really was. Sadly, the packaging was about as sensual as haemorrhoid cream. The good news is that this product is water-based and condom safe, non-irritating and non-staining.

It has a grand total of six ingredients and is gentle on sensitive skin. The product itself is clear and to my mind has a slight smell of the Student Health waiting room. It’s sticky but not overly so and cleans off the skin easily with little residue.

One problem with this lube is it tastes completely gross, so in the flavour stakes you’d be better off getting flavoured lubricant if you’re going to be tasting it. I wouldn’t rush to buy this again, and I’d only use it if I was in an absolute lube emergency.

Doesn’t look sensual to me

Finally the two in one” Massage & Lubricating” gel, which promises to be gentle, edible and silky smooth. The packaging certainly looks the part, it’s condom friendly and made with Aloe Vera and vitamin E. Overall though, it didn’t deliver. As a massage oil it was too sticky, my volunteer compared it to PVA glue.

It takes far too long to sink into the skin, but at least it’s almost odourless and tasteless, and your skin feels a little softer afterwards. I probably wouldn’t buy it again. It promises two functions but isn’t great for either job in my opinion.

All in all the Poundland range is well-made, simple and straightforward. If you’re looking for tingles, warmth and cherry flavour then it’s not the place for you, but you can get a damn good bullet for a quid, which is a win in my book.

But it remains a fact that Poundland will never be sexy, no matter how hard it tries. Walking into an Ann Summers makes me feel like a kid in a sweetshop, and buying a bullet from a pound shop, however effective it is, made me feel a bit cheap.