Swearing and orgasms: We tried alternative painkilling methods

Two weeks ago I had a coil put in. It hurt like hell, and every day since I’ve had period cramps.  (For those not in the know a coil is a form of birth control, a little plastic T-shape which nestles in your uterus).

A girl can only have so much paracetamol. What’s a student to do when they’re suffering from aches and pains with nothing in the house?  I decided to give these unorthodox methods a try so you don’t have to.

Swearing

Go on, let it all out

The science

Dr Richard Stephens of Keele University (I haven’t heard of them either) decided to investigate the benefits of cursing when in pain.  Apparently it releases endorphins to make you feel better, but is most effective when you don’t swear regularly.  Potty-mouthed babes like myself might not get good results from this after all. Shit.

Does it work?

Call it coincidence, call it a twist of fate but I genuinely felt a little better after a good old cuss.  Maybe it’s the power of distraction.

Sniffing a green apple

Pictorial representation of period pains

The science

Yes, it sounds medieval, but the good people of Chicago’s Smell & Taste Research and Treatment Foundation have proven many individuals feel better after huffing on a Granny Smith.  Again, this could simply be a matter of distraction.

Does it work?

My headache damn near went away after some deep breathes of appley scent.  Yes, it’s not perfect: you look silly and any cure is probably all down to the deep breathing and not so much the apple-y aroma.  Still, it’s not unpleasant and definitely worth a go if you haven’t got any painkillers lying around.  Even my skeptic housemate was amazed at how well it worked.

Look at pictures of people you love or pieces of art

The science

The logic behind this suggests looking at a loving face can shut up the pain-processing bits of your brain. With the artworks, people looking at pieces they liked reacted with less pain to lasers (ouch) than those who looked at pieces they didn’t like or no art at all.

Does it work?

First I gazed at some of my favourite pictures: a baby picture of me and my mum, my parents and grandmother in the 1980s (nice oversized white blazer, mum).  While I felt a fuzzy rush of love in my heart, sadly there was no improvement to my womb.  I’m not sure what I reckon to this looking at pictures idea: it might provide temporary distraction but any menstrual girl in the throes of cramps will tell you a glimpse of Starry Night isn’t quite going to cut it.

Orgasms

Was it good for you?

The science

Dr Hekmat, Professor of Psychology at the University of Wisconsin, suggests that fantasising reduces anxiety and distracts us from pain.  It’s been said orgasms can not only cure menstrual cramps but headaches, PMS mood swings, hiccups and even morning sickness. Of course, I might need to test this cure several times, in the interests of scientific and journalistic integrity.

Does it work?

Of course it fucking works.