Let’s all start wearing backpacks when we go clubbing

I’ve no idea when it happened but somewhere along the way, backpacks in a nightclub became a thing in 2015. Honestly, we see so much weirdness from day-to-day now, its hard to even notice when something so bizarre is right in front of us. But backpack-wearing clubbers have gone unnoticed for too long and in 2016 we should all be a little bit more like them.

The first time you see someone wearing a backpack in a club, you think “Shit, they must have quite the round behind because everyone seems to be looking at their arse”. Then you realise, oh wait that’s a backpack. You dance and frown at the same time, confused. Is it a fashion statement? Who needs a backpack on the dance floor? Did you only just leave the library? Duke of Edinburgh Gold Expedition? Homelessness?! Then suddenly out of nowhere your friend gets bashed around the face with it. Is it a weapon now?! It all seems so unclear…

All you really know is this: that son of a bitch has a lot of space to crack out some wicked dance moves.

A good half a metre radius has formed around them, keeping everyone else at bay. That kind of space in a nightclub is just unheard of. You stare over at the backpacker with awe. What a genius idea. Absolutely genius.

What has she packed in there?

Plot twist, you then get bashed around the face with it yourself, and wow does it sober you up. I experienced it firsthand. My reaction was simple: Who let this twat in here with a goddamn backpack on? It shouldn’t be allowed. Security gave me a rough time because I brought in a clutch and I’m expected to believe someone got a backpack in here without any trouble. There could be anything inside. Now my face hurts and I might actually have to buy a drink from the bar. For a few moments, I want nothing more than to ban backpacks from every club in the world.

Then, there’s a girl at the bar: very wavey, and with a silver backpack from ASOS (those things are everywhere).  With curiosity I questioned: “Babe, why the need for the backpack?”.  Her response rocked my world.

She said: “It’s just an overnight bag with all my stuff in it. It’s perfect for one night stands, you avoid the walk of shame because you can bring a change of clothes.” Now that is what I call organisation. Fucking brilliant!

So boys, now you know. There are girls out there who go clubbing with backpacks because they’re so down for a one night stand that they’ve packed a little bag full of their shit. Consider me converted to the church of backpacks. Honey, they’re such a thing now. They might still be too edgy for some, but who doesn’t want extra space to bust some moves? And hey, if you’re going to go home with that guy, why not bring your toothbrush and pyjamas?

Just try not to hit anyone around the face though, that’s just rude.