Things I’ve legitimately heard Bristol students say

Bristol, being the official university of mandy, girls in Ellesse puffers and self proclaimed “fucking live” Oxbridge rejects, is understandably a cornucopia of questionable chat.

The kind of chat that you half listen to and offer up a limp, forced chuckle in response, before realizing that the contents of your conversation could probably inspire about a year’s worth of Buzzfeed thinkpieces, that you’ve just spoken to someone who most professionals would probably label a “borderline sociopath” and that the Domestos bottle perched longingly atop your toilet cistern has never looked more appetising.

Whether it’s Wills boys being generally wet, deeply serious conversations about the degrees of gurn on display on the Motion dance floor or people displaying the social skills of a floundering fish, Bristol’s got all the shit chat that you need.

Without fail, on any late night no.16 journey, an abundance of classic statements will float toward you across the top deck like dejected butterflies, and make you question whether the inevitable 2:2 in anthropology was really worth the lifetime of debt and stench of Red Stripe and poorly rolled Amber Leaf cigs that follows you like a permanent aftershave.

Below I have collated an assortment of zingers that I have actually heard coming out of what are purportedly some of the country’s brightest young minds:

People being posh

“Mate, you’ve got my Harrods card. I swear you’ve got my fucking Harrods card. Give it back”

“You just have to re-wax your Barbour jacket annually”

“Eton wasn’t even that posh, I swear”

“Yeah mate I don’t even care I bombed the interview, Oxford was my second choice anyway lol”

“Wait, I swear you can’t put Oxford second”

“Fuck off mate”

“Oh God, Tobes, when I’m hungover I just crave truffle oil”

“No I can’t go to motion this weekend, daddy is bringing the horses down from Shropshire”

People being questionable

“How is saying Selasi from Bake Off looks like Harambe racist? If I said a white guy looked like a pony, it wouldn’t be would it?”

“Bro, I don’t even go Bristol. I’m here from Durham cause I rate the pussy here more”

“Would you rather be in ISIS or Wills?”

“Probably Wills in all fairness mate, not really a fan of what ISIS is up to at the moment to be honest”

“I’ve got a confession – I unironically listen to James Blunt, and I don’t know what to do about it”

People talking about drugs

“Come here mate- tonight we’re gonna have a mad one: we’re going to get high and play Bassline Junkie at offensively loud levels and piss off everyone in the kitchen”

“Of course I’ve done MD, I’m not a fucking loser”

“You got pills mate? No? Nah, don’t worry mate, I’ve actually got my own haha”

“I did acid fam, and came out like a man. But seriously man, when’s your cousin bringing up those pills?”