‘A land of hope, hills, drugs and daddy’s money’: 25 things only Bristol Uni students will understand

Bristol Uni, a land of hope, hills, drugs and daddy’s money.

For outsiders it would be easy to assume Bristol Uni is similar to many other unis up and down the country.

However, my own experiences of visiting friends here, there and everywhere has proven this city’s student experience to be a truly unique one, for better or for worse. Now sit back and relax as we detail to you 25 things you’ll only understand if you go to Bristol Uni.

1. Thinking you’re alternative for going to Mr Wolf’s

Everyone knows the place, everyone’s been and no you aren’t special.

2. House viewings with six other groups

Fancy living in a 25 mile radius of the university? You’ll have to fight off 50 other students and apply for the lease two years before you start your course.

3. Jason and his Doner Van

Although this mighty vehicle is named after a celeb, it is very much a celeb in its own right.

4. Posh kids asking: ‘What school did you go to?’

If you even DARE to say a state school you will be met with either general disinterest or absolute horror and nothing in between.

5. Constantly searching for baccy

It’s obviously in your teeny tiny bag. With your iPhone. And your father’s credit card.

6. Gentrification

If this requires any explanation then YOU are the problem.

7. Being stared at in the ASS… Library

You just want to get your essay done, but somehow your entrance is always a spectacle to dozens of vintage-clad students.

8. Thinking you’re superior for living in Stoke Bishop

Nothing says unnecessary elitism like literally living behind gates at the top of a hill.

9. Growing your very own ‘Bristol Bum’

From Park Street to St Michael’s Hill, the voluptuous development of the derriere is well and truly a rite of passage for all students.

10. That northern people don’t exist

Coming across anyone born further north than Oxford at UoB is about as likely as finding a table at Steam.

11. Everyone wearing white trainers

I’m not sure if there is some sort of Suez Canal issue going on with the delivery of any other shoes to this city, but these are seemingly the only shoes Bris kids can come across.

12. The shame of forgetting your Ucard

To be denied access to the facilities you’re paying for is truly humiliating. As it should be.

13. Every single house having single paned glass

Whether your building is listed or your landlord’s a tight ass, the students of Bristol seem destined to remain freezing as the city continues to shun double-glazing.

14. The never ending queue at Parsons

All you want is the £1.25 coffee yet there you stand for a solid 25 minutes behind 3 rugby boys and a pair of builders.

15. A lack of laptops in Senate House

It would seem overpriced coffee is the only thing allowed to grace the desks of this source cafe.

16. Being repeatedly told how great London is

If it’s so bloody fantastic then why didn’t you stay there?

17. An abundance of mullets

Bristol boys hear one woman say she finds mullets mildly attractive and before you know it everyone is shaving two lines down the sides of their scalp.

18. Having to shop at Sainsbury’s as there are literally no other supermarkets

You know your uni is posh when the only accessible supermarket is Sainos.

19. Waiting an hour just for four falafels in a small box

Watch the queue wind down up past Pret as they attempt to create another money-losing deal in an attempt to stay relevant.

20. REAL Bristolians – the nice ones

Every now and then you’ll bump into a local and realise there is hope for humanity outside the student bubble,

21. Charity Shop elitism

In what world are charity shops more expensive than fast fashion? Bristol it would seem.

22. Class tourism

Wearing tracksuit bottoms won’t convince us you aren’t from Surrey babes.

23. The bloody bridge on everyone’s bloody story

I would rather work on Hugh Brady’s PR team than see another picture of the suspension bridge.

24. Never getting your grades back on time

But if you submit your work a minute late you’re instantly axed (by 10 per cent)

25. And finally, that quirky outfits don’t necessarily make good outfits

Wear what you like… but keep let’s leave the lowrise jeans in the 00s

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Meet the Bristol Uni best mates who found out they are actually long lost cousins

• A definitive ranking of the very best and worst Brandon Hill benches

• Bristol Uni sign pledge to not silence sexual assault victims using non-disclosure agreements