Smooth criminals: The worst pickup lines Bristol has to offer

Cuffing season is in full swing ladies and gentlemen, which means so too are the days of drowning your sorrows scrolling on Hinge. All while watching that weird couple in Senate pack on the PDA, thinking “how are they wifed up but not me?”

If you want to feel a tiny bit better about being single and unlovable then it’s your lucky day. The Bristol Tab has collected some of the most repulsive pickup lines on offer.

“It’s the job of men to serve hot women”

Setting the bar high we have the classic submissive male looking for a princess to spoil. This reeks of mummy issues but he has a point – if your man doesn’t offer to pay to put your heating on then leave him.

“All I’m asking you is to love me now”

In a close second, we have Mr Worldwide. Our mystery man is a globetrotter. London or Berlin? More like Woodland Road, babes.

If that wasn’t enough to get you to immediately jump into bed, this man clearly likes a bit of rough and tumble. How many people do you know who sustained a bullet in the liver? God I love a bad boy.

“My mum’s dead”…”Well at least ur fit”

10/10 for banter, let’s hope that death isn’t still raw. Whilst not your typical pickup line, it is straight to the point.

“Are you a big flat pack furniture fan”

How did you know that I have an Ikea kink? I’m not quite sure where the trajectory of this one was heading but points for uniqueness and dedication.

“Love jellyfish, just an excuse to get pissed on”

Some people might be into that, there’s only one way to find out, I guess.

“Can you teach me to handle a nerf gun safely please”

My absolute favourite. Get yourself a man who’s both practical and interested in your hobbies. Paintballing for a first date?

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• The best and worst of Bristol road crossings

• The playlist to play at your friendmas Christmas dinner to get everyone rockin around the Christmas tree

• I’m driving home for Christmas: Prepare for some serious train strikes