Let’s REALLY talk about sex

I'm rather sick of hearing people brag about their latest shag. Like it's a competition. It's a sign of a successful Wednesday Cindies if you wake up in another college the next morning. Extra lad points if you sleep with more than ten different people in one term.

Don't get me wrong; by no means am I disparaging one-night stands or sleeping with a different person every week. Polyamory is exciting and a lot of fun. But I think – particularly at this university – some tend to view sex as some sort of conquest.

This attitude is toxic.

You should have sex because you want to, because you feel horny, because you really, really fancy this person. I should stress that for many people, this is very much the case. But for others, an unhealthy view of sex as a competition can end up – whether consciously or sub-consciously – influencing their mindset.

But let's rememeber that it is ultimately the discourse about sex which needs to change, not the amount we talk about it. It's GREAT to talk about sex; but it has to be all or nothing (preferably all!). We need to stop skirting around the nitty-gritty, the realities, the stigmas, the worries we keep secret.

Sure, talk about how often you have sex, but don't leave out the part about how often you wank. OK, tell your friend about your Tinder hook-up, but don't leave out the part about having to fake an orgasm. It seems that some aspects of sex are fine to talk about, but others are not.

I say this, because just the other week a friend of mine told me he didn't realise women masturbated. Because almost 70% of women claim to fake orgasms. Because people catch STIs and don't go to see a doctor because they feel too awkward. Because 60% of rape victims struggle to acknowledge that they have been raped, at least in part due to a fear of stigma.

So we need to talk about sex. Chat with your friends about your wanking habits, which sex toys you use, your favourite sexual fantasy, whether you watch porn, how you wish your significant other was a bit kinkier. Tell your one night stand exactly what they need to do to bring you to orgasm, compare condom brands with your friends, go shopping with your mate for a vibe. It might feel weird at first, but that's because of all those draconian stigmas and taboos about decency and modesty – which we need to break.

We have to work towards normalising a more comprehensive discourse on sex. Why dress it up? We're in the 21st century, but when we talk about sex, we are still constrained by 1950s norms and expectations.

Everything is out there online – google any sex-related concern or curiosity and you will be greeted with scores of information and self-help articles. The real world just hasn't quite caught up yet. If we do have a concern, we are more likely to post anonymously on TSR than talk to our friends.

And should you feel uncomfortable talking about all of this sex stuff, maybe you should think twice before you start boasting about your latest conquest…