5,000 of you voted, so which Cambridge night out is officially the best?

Ah Cambridge nightlife, we give you a tough time. “Cindies is just so basic”. “Life sucks now that it’s no longer Kuda”. “Fez isn’t even edgy anymore”. You’ve heard all the chat, yet something, and maybe you can’t quite place what it is (Van of Life, peer pressure, escapism?), draws you out, week after week, to the same set of club nights.

Everyone seems to have their go-to club. That safe space where they can belt out cheesy tunes, bitch in the smoking area and wind up getting with some nameless rando for a healthy dose of validation.

As part of a recent quiz, I asked Tab readers what their favourite night out is in Cambridge. I had no intention of publishing the results, but some of the responses shook me to the core and I feel obliged to impart my new found wisdom onto my fellow Cantabs.

The conundrum

So here we have it. The official ranking of Cambridge nights out 2020, compiled from 5,032 responses…

1. ‘I never go out’

Voting share: 27.05 per cent

A part of me admires this staggering proportion of Cam students that live healthy lives, seeking fulfilment from other sources than packed, steamy dance floors. Another part of me thinks this is why our nightlife has such a bad rep. Cam nightlife is never going kick off if almost a third of our student body never goes out…

Good old Cambridge students.

2. Wednesday Cindies

Voting share: 20.25 per cent

Nothing surprising here. This night casts its net far and wide, attracting all sorts of Cam students. Some are just too basic to go anywhere else, eager to lap up those childhood tunes, while others see it as an opportunity to mill in the smoking area, cultivating their BNOC status. Public school boys love this night. Although, they should be warned that it does get pretty crowded and they’ll definitely overheat in those suits (the poor things).

Kermit knows the pain.

3. Friday Fez

Voting share: 10.1 per cent

I have no clue how this night came third. Crammed in the tiny chamber of a dance floor, you’ll find yourself shoved in every direction by various Cam students trying to prove their edginess by dancing to indie tunes. Not to mention the ceiling actually secretes liquid. Rumour has it, however, that the odd celebrity duo can be spotted at this particular venue…

4. Danger Spoons

Voting share: 9.18 per cent

This is the biggest shocker of the list. How Danger Spoons comes soaring in above Thursday Lola’s and Glitterbomb is beyond me. I thought that Cam students had universally agreed that this night is an absolute last resort, but it seems there are pockets of our society that not only choose to go on this night out, but honour it above all others. Whatever floats your boat I guess.

Oof.

5. Thursday Lola’s

Voting share: 8.98 per cent

I feel like this is the most inoffensive night on the list. Two dancefloors to choose from, both with decent music and a solid size. Although the star of the show is that stunning smoking area. I can’t count the number of deep conversations I’ve had up there, chatting for hours in the warm glow of the fairy lights. Freshers love this night and who can blame them – it’s definitely a crowd-pleaser.

6. Glitterbomb

Voting share: 8.47 per cent

I am gutted that this wonderful night came so low down on the list. The iconic LGBT night should be regarded as one of the best in Cam. Where else can you can you meet Tracy Beaker herself, watch Baga Chipz live and have free access to a hairdryer? Also, people dress up in all sorts of vibrant outfits, donning glittery patterns and rainbows galore. Glitterbomb deserves more justice.

This stunning moment happened in Glitterbomb…

7. Turf All-nighter

Voting share: 6.94 per cent

I’m not surprised this one came so far down. It’s so intense. Not only does it disturb your sleep schedule for a week, it also encourages you to take copious amounts of alcohol and MD to get through the night. Also, it’s by far the most expensive on the list and it’s located next to Homerton. Everything about this night is dialled to 11 and only the hardiest of Cam students can hack it.

Not for the faint-hearted.

8. Sunday Life

Voting share: 5.96 per cent

There is nothing unique about Sunday Life. It’s a discount Glitterbomb – lacking drag shows, guest appearances and funky themes. The music is essentially the same as Cindies and Lola’s. Although, if you're looking for nostalgia, the set up has an uncanny resemblance to the Club Penguin dance club.

Serious concern for the abandoned puffle.

9. ArcSoc

Voting share: 3.08 per cent

Most of you have probably heard of this night in passing, yet are baffled at how a society can become a club night. I’m in a similar boat here. I’ve never actually been, but I’ve heard the vibe is edgy. An exclusive night with limited tickets, it’s a chance to showcase eccentric outfits and bop to a drum and bass beat. Apparently today’s ‘Bath Time’ event even has life drawing and the first 50 through the door get a free shower cap.

So there you have it, the official ranking of Cambridge nights out 2020. I acknowledge that the odd night is missing (sorry Fleek Fridays), but the vast majority are here.

I hope this information encourages you to experiment with your club nights – maybe there's a few on here that have caught your eye? Don't worry, I won't judge when you ultimately resolve just to go back to Wednesday Cindies.

Cover photo credit: Sabrina Julia Fabits

Other photo credits: Max Leadbetter