Every type of person you’ll see at the Stevie

The gym is a sweaty jungle filled with a plethora of different species.

For those who regard themselves as true gym veterans, also known as #StevieLoyals, or for those who have never so much as stepped foot in the glowing building of health, this guide to every person you’ll see in the gym is for you.

The GUSA wankers

Gooooosaaaaa

You see them. In their #blackandgold. They’re the epitome of unaaaay, and they’re not afraid to show it. From tennis to cheer, swimming to lacrosse, these people aren’t afraid to show their dedication to their club, through the medium of sporting attire.

The ones that spend the entire time on their phone

What do you mean this isn’t a workout

Do you actually ever work out? Or are your fingers super-glued to your smartphone like it’s an extra limb? Stop tweeting about being in the gym and move your carcass. Unless there’s a weight-lifting app, your limited-edition rose gold 6S ain’t going to help you.

The ones that take selfies

#gymming

It’s a sub-species that comes under the phone-junkie species. These people are only at the gym, in their pristine outfits, to show people how good they look at the gym. Nine times out of ten, those people with the #workout Snapchat stories have done one rep and one minute on the cross trainer. “OMG, is my foundation running?!”

The ones who drink protein shakes

#gains

Ok, most serious gymmers do this now. But there’s always those people who are never seen without their protein bottle clasped in hand, whether it be in the gym, in lectures, or at pre-drinks. “Oh, I’m not drinking tonight – special gym diet,” they say, grabbing the last slice of greasy Domino’s.

The ones that actually squat
And do. Nothing. Else. We all know you’ve got a derrièr like Beyoncé, but when are you going to start working on your chicken arms?

The ones that actually do stuff

Pls fall down

This species is the one we all want to be. The ones that rock up, no cares about how they look, pre-prepared playlist in ear. We keep watching them, willing them to make a mistake but their technique is always perfected.

The ones who are yoga fanatics

Feeling zen

You know the ones. The species that stretch every inch of their perfectly toned bodies before working out. They can usually be found in their natural habitats of the mats, mid elaborate pose. Don’t go too close, though: they’re surrounded by a bubble of zen which should not be broken.

The ones that lift

Piece of cake

If you ever venture down to PowerPlay, you’ll see those people that have rocked up with their weight-lifting belts, ready to pump out some serious reps. Sometimes, they even have a spotter buddy. However, don’t be fooled by their bulky appearance: these people often lift weights that are too heavy for them. Often, a grunt will escape their tightly-pursed lips as they try, limbs flailing, to achieve that fifth rep.

The guys who claim their max squat is four hundred kilos but they don’t have a phone to capture it on video and they’re always having a “light week” when you ask them to demonstrate

Do you even lift?

Self-explanatory. Possibly the most-hated gym-goer species.

So, there you have it: the quintessential run-down of every person you’ll see in the gym. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.