Don’t worry – with the power of Feng shui by your side, your soul will rest easy from now on in your spiritually-enhanced room. Not many people know that ‘Feng shui’ translates to ‘shit-hole’ (the rearrangement of your room to make it as messy as possible), but we knew this all along.

Bathroom

There’s no need to bin the empty bottles of shampoo and the spare cardboard tubes from your toilet rolls. Just toss it under the sink and let it pile up. This rearrangement will help remove your mind of dirty thoughts.

Just chuck it there.

Notice board

Post any old crap on there. Just remember to NEVER take anything off, even if it’s some old leaflets of a club that doesn’t exist any-more. In time, the energy produced by this Feng shui movement will reduce chances of boredom.

Random, unnecessary scraps of paper, check…

Desk

Got any spare clutter, or a desk for that matter? Scatter them all over your desk and spread them out a bit. Make it look like someone’s let a rabid goat has entered and make a bloody big mess everywhere, with bits of paper, plastic bags and pens scattered everywhere.

Cleaning this up is spiritually unhealthy.

Bed

When you’re not throwing your sweaty carcass that you call a body on it, use it to hold your precious coats. Avoid changing the bed sheets and pillow cases as well for extra-spiritual nights. Whatever that means.

There’s probably the odd rat in there, but that doesn’t matter.