We rated Lincoln students’ dating nightmares and they’re hell on earth

Because if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry

| UPDATED

The modern dating world is scary. Let’s say it for what it is – half the time we’re being ghosted (or are the ones ghosting) potential dates after they tell us that Boris Johnson is just a funny guy. And when we finally do get around to meeting up with these questionable characters, they give us the ick. Honestly, it’s a miracle the human population is still going given the amount of dating fails we hear on the daily being enough to make us want to lock ourselves away from everyone forever.

But, I’d be lying (and so would you) if I didn’t admit that dating fails are also part of the fun. Going back to your girls after your Tinder date decides that Maccies is the ideal place to meet for the first time, and dissecting every ick from head to toe while they help you swipe for your next potential bae is hilarious. Explaining to your housemates that no, the girl they saw leaving your bedroom this morning is definitely not the one, can feel awkward for a minute before turning into the next in-joke for you all to laugh about. Dating fails are the glue that binds all young people together, they are modern-day tragedies that we all must suffer through in order to find someone we can tolerate for a couple of hours every day.

So, if you’re feeling a little bitter after your last Hinge date went to pot, we’ve collected some of the worst dating experiences for you to have a look at.

The one with the mashed potato

One young man told us about a date he had with a girl, who he took to Nando’s. Not a bad start if I’m honest. Safe option, who doesn’t love a chicken wrap? It’s casual enough to keep the nerves at bay while still feeling like an actual date. However, as the food was served our poor, unassuming gentleman noticed something: “They didn’t eat the chicken or the chips – they’d only eat the mash”.

Okay… first thoughts – not the most traumatising date. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have questions. Why mash over chips? Is it a texture thing? I don’t know how many restaurants serve mash as a side, so if there were more dates, could you only return to Nando’s? This feels awkward, but ultimately I think you escaped relatively unscathed by this experience.

My rating (ranging from awkward silence to “omg my flatmate just called and their sister’s hamster died gotta go”) is probably a solid 3/10.

 

The one that got away (after getting a free meal)

Now, this is a sob story. Let me paint the picture: this couple had just started dating “officially”, and with it being her birthday, they decided to go out to a nice restaurant. She said: “We went straight after classes, I didn’t have loads of money or anything but he said it’d be nice to celebrate my birthday properly”. Sounds romantic, right? “He ended up choosing a steak meal, which he then got me to pay for”. That sucks, I can’t lie. But to add insult to injury: “He broke up with me three days later”.

Damn, that’s got to hurt. Pretty bad of him to get a free meal out of you. Even worse that he only waited three days until after your birthday to dump you. High-key traumatic, and a financial loss too – 7/10.

The one with the missing vegetables

As the title may suggest, this was another food-related dating disaster. This girl told us: “We went specifically for a carvery,” but once they arrived for their date, “he announced that he didn’t eat fruit or veg at all”. *Insert image of me furiously scribbling out the potential food groups you can find in a carvery*. I’m seriously starting to wonder what’s up with all of these dates and who raised them to be such fussy eaters. She went on to say: “When we went up, he had a plate of just meat and potatoes. Not a single carrot or anything”.

This is bad. Our poor victim of this date even told us that he was, “at the big age of 24”. How does someone get to the age of 24 avoiding all fruit and vegetables? Does this man have no shame? A pretty awful experience, and evidently this was the last date these two shared. Definitely a 5/10.

The one with a sausage to the face

Of course, we had to end with another food-related dating nightmare. In this instance, the date had gone as planned. And the disaster may at first not seem obvious. “He tried to kiss me,” this third year tells us, “but he had sausage all over his face”. Sounds pretty disgusting as it goes. And I have to ask how someone goes about covering their face in sausage. This disaster gets so much worse when she told us: “to make it worse, I’m vegan”.

You’re right, this is pretty bad. She apparently spent the walk home with her hood over her face so as to avoid another terrible attempt at a kiss, and naturally called the whole thing off afterwards. Probably the worst of the food-themed disasters, a 6/10.

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