Everything that happens on a night out in McCooleys

McCooleys, the infamous Irish bar sitting comfortably in Concert Square (and now Mathew Street too) where the most tragic nights of your three or four years in Liverpool will occur. Sober minds insist you’ll go somewhere better, like a Baltic Triangle offering, or at least Baa Bar or La’go instead, but undoubtedly you’ll end up in the one place we love to hate.

Your pres will be an absolute mess for sure

You haven’t had alcohol in a fortnight, you’ve downed half a bottle of gin on the 86 and now you’ve ended up in a probably rainy Concert Square. Level is never in the question, you don’t wanna wait in the excessive Heebies queue, so the green lights and allure of a free shot inevitably lures you into the ‘promised’ land.

A vision of paradise or hell?

You'll realise the free shot is sorta shit

You probs necked stronger stuff when you were 14 and only allowed watered down bevs by your parents, but it costs you nothing, and the vodka coke (or five) accompanying it wasn’t painfully expensive.

You’ll probs get chatted up by an oldie at the bar

His beer goggles are so bad that he doesn't notice you're young enough to be his daughter.

And they’ll creepily try and pull you

Never have your dodging skills from karate come this much in handy. You may have the slobber of a 40 year-old Scouser on your face, but there's nothing a little pamper in the toilets can’t cover (on the outside, you still feel queasy on the inside).

Luckily there was nobody chundering in the background

You’ll take a million selfies in the bathroom

Well, what are well lit mirrors really for? Let’s hope you don’t take your snaps too close to the toilet lady, you can’t get tempted into her perfumes yet again.

Every song you pretend to dislike plays

“Yeah mate, I’m really edgy now, I only go to where Darkzy and DJ Q are performing,” is what you tell your friends back home, worrying they’ll see on your Snapmaps that you’re in the home of Abba and A-ha.

A photographer in McCooleys? We were too pissed to realise

You’ll start dancing with people in fancy dress

Whether they’re on a hen do or on a sports social, you’ll instantly be drawn to the people in feather boas or cycling kits. Fortunately it’ll be a pull to forget, as you’ve already consumed a memory erasing amount of £2 Somersbys.

Country roads, take me home (to Smithdown)

You’ll vow this is the last time you ever visit

You know you’re above this behaviour, you’ll scour Facebook for events and promise you’ll make the line for The Raz on time next week.

But you’ll do this all again next time

Better get your vocal chords ready for ‘Uptown Girl’. McCooleys mate? Yeah McCooleys.