How to be a dick on holiday

If you’re going to poison my news feed, do it right

| UPDATED

You’re all guilty of attempting to make everyone at home jealous. Admit it, you celebrate when your hot dogs or hot legs photo gets over 10 likes, probably from some pervy school teacher you thought it would be funny to add.

We recommend at the first sight of any of the photos below, you block them from your news feed and get on with your boring summer job in peace.

Lads/Lasses holiday

So you’re yet to step foot on to a plane, but you arrive at the airport and it’s time to show people that you’re already having a brilliant time. Why not put a picture up of the pre-flight pint and fry up your having at 5.30am with a suitably obnoxious caption: “on it! holiday starts here!”

Or if you’re really starting as you mean to go on, hit the spirits. Miniature bottles of Grey Goose and Jack Daniels? You’re fooling no one. Only alcoholics enjoy a drink at that time of day, so have an orange juice and stop bowing to peer pressure.

“The holiday starts here! #onit #earlystart #startasyoumeantogoon”

The plane selfie

Next stop, you’re on the plane. Obviously this is the number one place for f-u-n. You’re probably crammed into a seat that’s really only made for people under 5ft7 and your sharing your personal space with a middle age fat man from Swansea. There’s a toddler kicking your chair and you’ve already realised that you’ve forgotten your plug adapter.

But forget all that,  it’s now the time for that all important plane selfie with you and your pals. Add in the optional straw trilby, wifebeater vest and some novelty sunglasses for the authentic look. I mean if you didn’t take a picture on the plane how would people know that you’re actually in Magaluf and not Blackpool?

‘Just boarded with my bitches, next stop Ibiza’

The beach shot

You’ve landed and your Facebook friends are well  informed about the amazing time you’re already having.  Now it’s time to capture a picturesque snapshot of the golden sands and glistening sea.

So people don’t confuse it for a hasty google image search, remember to include your not yet tanned legs. It’s also an amazing way to show off the results of your “#bikinidiet #cleaneating”.

This photo is a tough one but a holiday is not complete without your online friends being left wondering are those hot dogs or hot legs.

‘I could get used to this. #livingthedream’

The first night out

After bronzing yourself on the beach all day you’re ready to let loose with your friends. You and your mates have all coordinated perfectly and are all wearing “I heart destination” t-shirts with the sleeves hacked off.

The tan you caught earlier in the day is starting to imitate a lobster and your eyebrows are delicately decorated with neon dots and any sort of boisterous summer outfit is the only option.

This picture will see you all with your hands on hips with a slight head tilt. “Lads” may opt for a slightly different pose including flexed biceps (#whichwaytothebeach) and an arm round their mate. Of course, you could always try to sneaky nut someone.

‘The strip is not going to know what has hit it #shots #ontour’

Romantic couples retreat

The towels

Giving up the fishbowls and booking a romantic two week shag-a-thon with your better half is the more mature option. Cue comments from jealous parents and aunts, but your mates will stay quiet.

When you arrive at your three star all-inclusive hotel in Greece, the darling hotel staff have sculpted your towels into swans and smothered your bed in flower petals. How romantic. You must take a photo and upload it immediately so everyone at home can throw up.

‘home for the next two weeks, not too shabby’

The individual photo

Travelling as a couple is a majestic and wonderful affair. But holidaying as a twosome often means photo opportunities are limited.

So why not take separate pictures of you both in the same locations, eating in the same restaurants and standing in front of the swanky marble reception. Obviously upload them all as your Facebook friends really want to see the both of you, individually, enjoying your holiday.

If you’re hoping to Instagram this picture, catch your partner off guard or ask them not to look directly into the camera and then using the Valencia filter. Magical.

When uploading said photo, caption it: ‘Im so lucky, isn’t he/she gorgeous” or just put the relevant emojiis that will equally make people sick in their gobs.

‘My hubby loves his food! #nomnomnom’

The couple photo

You’re a few days into your holiday and it’s boring. You’ve already had three fights about sun cream application and you’re wishing you’d gone away with your mates instead.

As a last ditch approach at saving the trip you decide to head into the local town to visit some shitty monuments that not even the locals know why they are there.

You’re on holiday though, so naturally you want the perfect picture of you both so you can set it as your new profile picture and make all of your single friends cry with jealousy. But this one is a little more tricky and it’s wise that you introduce a third person into the relationship in order to get the perfect shot.

Its often best to ask a local bar man. Not only will he take the picture, but he will also offer you some sleazy remarks about your “beautiful lady”. Hand him your camera and stand around three metres away. Just don’t let him run off.

Next, awkwardly position yourself in front of something that will really set the picture alight such as a statue or a water fountain and hold each other limply. For best results do this at night time. Your sunburn will be raging and you’ll be dressed to impress.

Despite this being a wank holiday, you have to at least tell people you’re having “the most amazing time”. But then subtly, at your own peril, add: “Looking forward to seeing everyone at home.”

‘Most amazing holiday with my man’

The traveller

The rucksack farewell

It’s a once in a lifetime trip so your pictures need to capture the moments that you want to last forever.

You’re setting off and you’re going to be slumming it around Asia for the next three months. You’ve packed your sleeping bag, your roll mat and mosquito spray into a rucksack that’s larger than a seven-year-old child. Grab a photo of you looking like a carrier donkey and upload it on to Facebook ASAP.

Mum will comment something embarrassing like “My little princess is off. Going to miss her. Stay safe! x”, which of course all your friends will like.

‘Can’t believe it’s finally here. Off into the big wide world. See you later England’

The beach shot

When travelling you also want the perfect beach shot. It’s much much different to the average. First of all find a desolate beach, or at least an area that makes the shot look like the beach is entirely yours.

Then stand in front of the sea. If you fancy it and you’re a bit of a cunt why not show that you’ve really embraced the culture of where you are and wear some traditional looking clothing? A patterned pull over, a sari or even a bandanna will do.

If you’re a girl, one hand on the hip and the other in the air just to demonstrate how completely mental you are. Guys, just freestyle, do what comes naturally.

Do not attempt this photo without sunglasses.

‘I’m in Paradise’

The animal selfie

Bumping into wildlife that you have never seen before is exciting, especially when they’re sedated up to their eyeballs. Again you need to prove that you were actually there, stood next to the animal.

Forget the “beware of the animal” signs and hop into the enclosure, they’re  probably just a precaution. That’s what you had the pre-holiday injections for anyway and you did not travel half way around the world to merely look at the Kangaroo.  What screams traveller more than an animal selfie?

‘ooh photo bombed by a giraffe! so cute, just wanna take him home!’

The landmark picture

Whether it be the Taj Mahal, Machu Picchu or the pyramids; this cannot go undocumented. But forget any of that “let’s take a photo while holding the leaning tower of Pisa up” crap, that’s so cliche.

To completely nail this photo, don’t be scared to include yourself or your chosen travelling partner. But be casual. Get your subject to saunter nonchalantly before the famous landmark. But do not forget: HAVE YOUR BACK TO THE CAMERA. This a must.

If you’re on your own, set the timer to five seconds, quickly sprint a fair distance away, then slow to a leisurely melancholy stroll. You’re taking this all in remember, appreciating the history.

A pain in my chest, a wound festering so long, burning through my heart