The undisputed ranking of Nottingham’s smoking areas

Ink

The holy grail that is everything that is wrong about smoking areas. Ink strikes gold on the inside with four rooms and eight bars; the brand new gatecrasher replacement had the potential to steal the heart of Nottingham’s students city wide. However the moment you step out onto Nottingham’s bleak streets the promise of a decent night out is ruined. The solid 6 that you’ve been pulling so far suddenly turns into a weak 4 under the dingy yellow street lights. Despite inks well thought out interior, they clearly cheaped out on the smoking area budget deciding to spend it instead on the death trap maze of unnecessary stairs, the floor of which will have absorbed most the drinks you’ll buy throughout the night, the rest of which will get twatted out of your hand the second you walk outside. The cramped space surrounded by cheap metal barriers strongly resembles a glorified sheep pen that is a host of over bearing bouncers and creepy locals who’ve left their mums spare room to come out for their annual and only ‘Cheeky night out with the lads’. 2/10 do not recommend. 

Market Bar and The Forum

Despite the dramatic differences between these two club nights, they share one major similarity that is their sub par smoking areas. Carrying on the theme of being situated on the streets outside the club entrance, both boast the most frustrating rule of smoking areas; not being able to take your drinks outside. Despite the usual factors that accompany street smoking areas such as a lack of shelter, places to sit and an atmosphere less appealing than Joseph Fritzels basement, having to leave your drinks unattended on a poorly guarded shelf is the cherry on the top. No smoking area can withstand the downer that is having to leave your drinks open to the risk of being nicked or spiked. Sort it out guys, 3/10.

Bowery and SU

Verging away from the pavement trend, The Bowery and SU have both positioned their smoking areas at the back of the club. What should be a prime spot for scandalous activity is an antisocial flop. The ridiculous trek to SU’s smoking area, which inevitably ends in you having to turn back half way through because of needing the toilet, is further dampened by finding yourself in an area that looks similar to a loading bay round the back of Tesco. With only some dodgy looking pipes to sit on you’ll be spending the precious grafting time desperate to get back inside. On the other hand, The Bowery’s overly bright alleyway, sitting only two double doors away from the club, seems to have its own independent climate from the rest of Nottingham, the constant wetness and flooded floor leaves everyone imitating a huddle of penguins. This and the consistent lingering bouncers causes an antisocial environment that leaves you feeling in a rush to go back inside where you’re sure you’re not missing out on all the action. 4/10

Oceana

During the first few weeks of Freshers Oceana is the place to be. Whilst the smoking area resembles a fenced car park with an outdoor heater shoved in the middle, it seems to be home to everyone you’ve ever met from your halls or course. Prepare yourself to have many a drunken reunion with the guy you once bummed a cig off outside your first lecture or that girl you once met in the laundry room. However like everything at Oceana it will soon get old after you realise the 10 minute long queue to get into the smoking area and having to leave your overpriced drink unattended next to the door is not worth the bother. That and when you figure out the man dressed as cheese in the disco room just puts on the exact same playlist each night (and doesnt even shuffle it),  you’ll happily turn your back on Oceana, ready to embrace Market Bar with open arms and never look back. At least you tried guys, 5/10.

Rescue Rooms and Stealth

These polar opposite clubs that share the same smoking area have created the ideal outdoor hangout when you’re taking a break from the overcrowded indoor sauna that is Stealth. The abundance of wooden benches and stairs gives you a guaranteed seat for when you and your mates are playing spot the best gurn. The outdoor heaters helps to add a comfortable warmth, allowing you to sit undisturbed in the unsheltered discussing the real mysteries of life with the random stranger that gave you a filter 30 minutes ago. However getting back into the club is the hard part; navigating the five metres of crowds of people gathered under the heaters to get to the door takes longer than trying to get a drink at rescue rooms main bar. At least the Jamaican food stall makes up for it. Food stalls in a smoking area? Groundbreaking, 6/10

Bodega

Sat in the middle of Hockley, The Bodega is a hipster’s paradise.  The spacious smoking area that sits out back is the perfect spot for your new Instagram picture. With fairy lights and bunting hanging up above it creates the ideal lighting for when you’re sat on the rows of wooden picnic benches socialising, allowing you to know that your smudged eyeliner might just go unnoticed. With the music from inside still audible, it carries the club atmosphere outside without it being so loud that you have to burst your mates eardrums when trying to ask if they want another drink. Get your drinks and head out back because we all know that’s the only place to be seen at Bodega. 7/10

Coco tang

The Holy Grail of smoking areas. Coco Tang’s well thought out  interior creates a very unique clubbing experience in Nottingham. Mimicking an upmarket club scene that’s more usually found in the boroughs of London rather than the back streets of Nottingham, the expensive cocktails and overly formal dress code is made to seem worth it when you’re puking up a blue Martini in the classiest club toilets you’ve seen yet rather than jaeger in a dodgy alleyway to the soundtrack of Grease. After all your friends have snapchatted you pushing open the secret door to Coco Tang’s hidden bar, you’ll eventually accidentally stumble into the roof top smoking area. Wooden floors, expensive cushioned patio furniture lit by fairy lights and sheltered with patio heaters and large umbrellas, no smoking area will ever feel the same compared to this heaven. 9/10