BDSM: What it’s like to be a sub

BDSM is becoming increasingly mainstream, with bondage and fetish societies starting up at some unis. Some of the people you pass on campus everyday might be subs or doms in their relationships and you’d never know it. We spoke to a mature student at Warwick who is a submissive in a sub-dom BDSM relationship. For the sake of her family, she wished to remain unnamed.

Being a sub, and the pleasure derived from such a position in a sub-dom relationship, is more than just simply being submissive during intercourse. Instead, the sub-dom dynamic is present throughout the relationship, which is part of the thrill.

“There’s an innate pleasure in sitting on a bus wearing nail varnish chosen for me by my dom. I never choose my own. It’s like mind games. I know I’m under my dom’s command but nobody else does.”

The control is almost ritualistic: a prepping of dominance foreshadowing the more overt showing to come. This ritualistic nature of the relationship penetrates deeper into the acts of bondage and submission which take place in the intercourse.

“It’s this ritualism which separates the pain inflicted when engaging in BDSM sex from pain experienced in normal life. I’m tied up with cuffs, restricted by a corset and blindfolded. I’m at the mercy of my dom and it’s exactly where I want to be.”

When she’s whipped it’s with a particular rhythm. It begins tentatively but the strength of the strikes increases as the experience progresses. With each strike her flesh gradually becomes more primed and ready to embrace more punishment.

“As I’m whipped, the pleasure intensifies almost exponentially. Each strike is my dom’s effort to force me into submission, to make me ask him to stop. On the other hand, each strike increases my determination to endure and deprive him of that eventual goal. I’ve never submitted, and it’s this battle from which I derive most of my pleasure.”

Eventually she reaches the pinnacle of the experience, the climax if you will. At this crescendo two facets of the submissive role react. The endorphin high from euphoric pain combines in a moment of serenity with the mental games which underlay the whole relationship dynamic. Her submissive defiance to not give into the pain instigated by her dom is realised at the same instance that her inner body positive energy peaks.

“This moment is like entering a k-hole. It’s an out-of-body experience, which leaves me feeling disassociated from any pain. This period of ‘floating’ or ‘flying’ can last anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour. I rarely remember anything from it afterwards, I just love how blissful it is.”

What follows is the “sub-drop”, essentially the comedown from this BDSM high.

“It often takes half an hour before I can speak. Cuddles and blankets are important at that point. To complete the ritual, I eat and drink high carb foods and sugary drinks. My body has been through a lot and it takes it’s toll. Afterwards, I fall asleep with my husband.”

The next day she has pains and bruises, but for her they’re a trophy which remind her she didn’t give in.

Other articles recommended by the author – 

• Let’s talk about BDSM

• We spoke to young people who are into BDSM

• QUIZ: How kinky are you actually?