Stockport may be a death trap but at least we have Instascran

It is indisputable that Stockport is the death trap of the North, and we love it for it. Although it’s generally an inconvenient stop on your way into Manchester Piccadilly, our town’s got so much character that Stepping Hill Hospital probably wishes it was located somewhere a bit more dull.

Stockport Centre is a guaranteed laugh

Walking to the peel centre is just like being on the set of Little Britain. You’re bound to get cack on your head from the worrying abundance of pigeons, whilst on your way to buy some Joni jeans and a puffer jacket from Topshop in the Merseyway shopping centre. If you do manage to avoid the pigeons, you might instead get knocked out from a tumbleweed rushing past Central Library during Storm Doris.

The education system is alright to be honest

Stockport has many a school, catering for everyone’s needs. If your parents wanted you to blossom into an Oxbridge student then they either sold one of their kidneys on the Adswood black market and sent you to Cheadle Hulme Private School, or they packed you off to the state school down the road where you did just as well without them having to take out a second mortgage.

If you don’t stay on to the sixth forms there’s always Aquinas college which offers 10/10 chicken burgers and the occasional trip to the Lake District. And let’s not forget Stockport College, where the locals go to retake their BTECS.

The nightlife is a shambles but that’s okay

Other than the occasional 18th at Stockport Rugby Club and that one regrettable night out at Bamboo, we’re close enough to Manchester for it not to matter that Stockport doesn’t have much to offer. Instead, you’ll see the majority of people skipping the Stockport train station stop to continue into Piccadilly for a questionable Fac thursday or a hecky one at Antwerp Mansion. Thank God for Manny.

The crime rate makes life exciting

With suspected human bones tumbling through the ceiling during renovation at the Bullock Smithy pub, a man’s body being discovered in Woodbank Park last August, and almost constant flood alerts in boroughs like Bramhall recently, Stockport has loads to offer for any adrenaline junkies out there.

Taking your driving test at Bredbury is basically a death wish as you’re guaranteed to have to brave Portwood roundabout, and very recently pub bouncers had to fight off a man wielding a machete in the James Wyatts pub in Cheadle. Perhaps the council are trying to tackle population control as, despite these events, Aquinas College has never been easier to wander into with its open doors and infamous lack of security.

We’re an internet sensation

Not only have we produced the likes of the iconic Instascran, but Friday night antics in McDonalds have gone viral on Twitter as our local lads release their inner Conor McGregor in their fights to the death.

More recently, police have been left shocked and appalled by some 12 year old throwing NOS canisters around in McDonalds. Not only did this cause a stir for the people eating their brekky before a strenuous day’s work in Stockport’s town centre, but it also produced a sensational video that did the rounds on social media.

To be fair it’s actually semi alright

Stockport has so many flaws it’s turned into a national meme, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. If nothing, I certainly love you Stockport.