Fresher’s Guide: What’s Fresh And What’s Rotten

Everyone knows that Freshers’ fortnight is the most important (and usually most classic) two weeks of your life thus far. If you haven’t made friends with people by the bacchanalian climax of the two weeks then you may as well pack up, take a gap year and try again next year. Sure, it may cost an extra 18 grand over three years but you (or more likely your parents) can’t put a price on friendship. As such, there are myriad myths that need to be debunked if you’re going to claw your way to the top of the tree. Here is a selection of the most crucial:

1. ‘Sleeping around in Freshers’ Week is a bad idea’. This is an appalling lie. Girls particularly should note that if you’re not emerging with a sticky sense of worthlessness from a different chap’s room every morning then you are significantly harming your chances of making friends and having a good time. It’s also a great way of exploring Durham.

2. ‘Don’t try and make too big a name of yourself’. A highly hateful untruth. You must make the most noise you possibly can. The more words you speak, no matter how vacuous, inconsequential or even slightly racist they are, the more likely you are to ingratiate yourself with your fellow students. It’s called the ‘carpet bombing’ tactic. I’m no History undergrad but I’m pretty sure this tactic worked really well for the Americans in Vietnam, and now it can work for you.

3. ‘Don’t spend too much money at the Freshers’ Fair’. Tight-arsed balderdash. You should be looking to spend at least £450 on society memberships at the fair, £600 if you went to private school. Swanning around the DSU with a cautious air of thriftiness is a sure fire way to get left behind when everyone else with whom you should be making lifelong friends is re-enacting the battle of Agincourt on Palace Green with the medieval society.

4. ‘You’ve got plenty of time to decide on second year accommodation’. Yeah, if you want to be homeless this time next year! No, try and size up your prospective housemates by the end of your first night out. Ideally you want to hypothesise three houses worth of people as you rarely get your first choice. It also doesn’t hurt to cast aspersions on the sexual hygiene of freshers that you don’t want to live with but have suspicions that others might.

5. ‘Don’t be too familiar with the North-East locals’. Spiteful ‘stranger danger’ fallacy. Not only are the native populace an extremely erudite and good humoured people, they also love students. However, they will only truly respect you if they think you’re able to engage in the light-hearted back and forth that characterises their playful patter. Question the heterosexual credentials of the first local you meet and a fruitful town-gown relationship is assured.

These are just a few things that must be taken into account. If this scares you, you probably are the only one. Don't tell anyone else as it's a dog eat dog world out there. And they will eat your dog.