Here’s what your fave Durham late-night takeaway says about you as a student

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my youth, it’s that everyone is their true self most when fresh out of the club.

It’s a fact that the kebab shop a steaming Durham student heads towards before bed is an accurate representation of their personality.

So, I’ve complied all my assumptions into one handy guide to help you pull over a takeaway. You’re welcome.

1. Paddy’s

The Paddy’s customer can best be described as “fresher”. They heard the Paddy’s hype the summer before they came, and swore allegiance on the spot. The Paddy’s customer defends Paddy’s to the death, which serves as great practice for being overly vocal in tutorials and aggressively reserving seats in the Billy B (pastimes which wholly reflect their general character).

2. Subway

If you’re going to subway for some post-club scran, you’re essentially broadcasting yourself as unique. And that’s great. I hope you find yourself in a Meatball Marinara.

3. College food

If you’ve got the wits to package up whats left over from your college Sunday Roast for later consumption, you’re thrifty, and I like that about you. Chances are you’re easily pleased, easy to get along with, and are taking your education easy too.

4. Big Bird

Repeat after me: Big Bird customers are cool. Fact. They’ve likely been on the clubbing scene since before you sat your GCSEs, and their experience shows. However, the Big Bird customer spends so long buying spicy sauces to accompany their chicken addiction that they neglect their studies, which is less cool. Get it together guys.

5. Urban Oven

Urban Oven goers have the best craic in Durham. They brew chaos on a night out, and this doesn’t stop when it comes to the kebab shop. I’ve seen so much go down in Urban Oven and I can say with all my heart that you lot are truly amusing.

6. Maccies

You live in Gilesgate.

7. Pizza King / Pizza Base / Pizza Uno

You enjoy the company of rats.

8. Domino’s

If your choice of takeaway is a Dominoes, my psychoanalysis says you’re homesick. It rekindles fond memories of drinking in a field in your hometown and you can get your hands on one without even leaving your tear-stained front door. Get well soon, babes.

9. Dunelm’s

Girl, this isn’t even a takeaway. Your night doesn’t have to end like this. Scrape together your last pennies and go and find yourself some hot food.

Related stories recommended by this author:

• It’s official: Here’s the correct college bar crawl route

• 15 things every Durham fresher needs to know right now

• Just a silly fresh ranking my Durham preconceptions out of 10