Valentine’s day : the gifts are un’bear’able

I have never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. I don’t hate it, I don’t hate couples, and I’m not a bitter singleton. In fact, my feelings about this ‘Hallmark holiday’ have remained unchanged throughout four years of being in relationships. While some may see it as a reason to get together with their significant other and curl up with a movie or go out to dinner, I have always been unable to identify with the holiday and  with what it represents. I’ve always felt a strange unwillingness to ever really get in the spirit of things, and this is coming from someone who loves holidays! I don’t believe this can be purely put down to being ‘unromantic’ (a trait my father says I inherited from him). There are simply things about Valentine’s day  ,I just can’t get behind.

The point about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day is one that has been laboured  many times over by stingy partners everywhere, so I won’t delve too deeply here. I take issue mainly with the type of gifts given and the idea of ‘romance’. Flowers, chocolates, jewellery and soft toys are the tradition on Valentine’s Day – but why? Because they are romantic? Because they supposedly represent love and affection? Surely a much nicer gift would be, say, that metal teapot he knew you were searching for, or a nice piece of art for your wall. I know, the clear and simple answer is that   February 14^th  is a holiday of love. But the Valentine’s Day idea of romance appears at some point to have separated from the idea of romance as love, and turned into a mere performance. It has no bearing on your actual relationship, or your connection with a person. It cannot make you love someone and it cannot make someone love you. So what is its role?

In many respects it seems to have become a means of personal validation. The romancer feels he or she is being a ‘good’ partner by doing all the ‘right’ things, and the romancee feels he or she is being ‘taken care of’ regardless of what they do together every other day of the year. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of this, but aren’t the really great emotional experiences we have with others those that occur without the assistance of expectation and tradition? Those that are spontaneous and specific to you and the other person? Isn’t a gift most special when you’re not expecting it, and when it’s something you genuinely want rather than something society tells you to want? I refuse to believe I am one of a mere few whose experiences of love are totally inconsistent with Valentine’s Day ideals.

The other issue I take with Valentine’s Day is its message that being in a relationship is good, and that therefore not being in a relationship is something worse. There are undoubtedly many fantastic things about being in a relationship: never feeling lonely, the security of knowing that no matter how terrible your day there will always be someone to cuddle you at the end of it, always having someone that ‘gets’ you.

However, there are also many great things about being single: not having to answer to anyone, not feeling obliged to spend time with someone, having the emotional availability to build connections with a wide range of people, and having more time to devote to your own personal growth. These are equally good!

As a society, we need to stop presenting romantic relationships as the best thing in the world. Certainly, this would mean that when we do enter into romantic relationships with people they will be because we genuinely want to be with them rather than because we feel  the need to settle.

I would argue that instead of Valentine’s Day, we have a day where we emphasize the importance of human relationships in general, empathy and compassion. Not only are these values surely more deserving of celebration than romantic (and often selfish) love, but it is also plainly not the case that we all end up valuing our relationships with our romantic partner over our relationships with other family and friends. Why then are these not considered worthy of their own holiday?

If making connections with all people, even those we are not attracted to, was emphasized as being equally rewarding-we may find that dying alone is no longer something we need to fear. Of course, many people like having a reason to go out to dinner and  enjoy showing off their partners. And that’s fine!

But we must stop equating love with a particular kind of ‘romance’ that centers around the buying of gifts and performance of expectations, We must stop espousing this Bridget Jones idea that without a partner, we will finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. Instead, we should celebrate real, deep emotional connections with all people, without assuming they all want perfume and roses.