Pre-drinks. An unavoidable part of university life, whether you’re drinking out of mouldy glasses, substituting milk for mixer or huddled in a bedroom with twenty other people, it’s essential if you want to have a good night, as going out even slightly sober in Durham is not an option. However, if you’re in a vindictive mood and fancy fucking up everyone else’s night for your own sick pleasure, read on:

Peak too early

As funny as stories about ‘the time you tried to shag a lamppost’ or ‘the time you chundered on your own face’ may be, no one actually wants to be around when they happen. Especially when they’re happening at half 9 whilst everyone else is still on the cider. With this in mind, necking a bottle of vodka to get the party going is a good start, as long as you make sure you’ve got all your friends fawning over you when you’re selfishly hanging over the toilet

Living the dream

Stay awkwardly silent

There are always those people whose idea of attending a pre-drinks is to sit there in silence and look like the idea of human contact repulses them. The not-so-hilarious memes on their facebook newsfeed are clearly much more interesting than the anecdote of a real live person, so make it obvious that you would much rather idly observe the conversations of others than utter a word yourself – much like a shit Bill Oddie, mutely sucking all the joy out of the room.

Doing well

Be the DJ

The drinks are flowing, the small talk is getting a little less awkward, and one guy just cracked out a beer funnel – things aren’t going to plan. Then suddenly someone swaps the jazzy rendition of ‘Talk Dirty’ for a trap remix of Dolly Parton (yes it does genuinely exist). It might be ‘edgy’ and ‘old school’ but no one wants ear numbing drops when you’re trying to organise which pre-bar to go to.  Night is back on track.

If in doubt, turn to metal

Be the drinking games dictator

Drinking games are meant to be a fun way to get everyone involved and forget about the futility of life, so you need to be the guy going all Stalin on the rules of beer pong. Encourage debates about whether a word counts if it’s a half rhyme, or whether you pointed if you didn’t actually extend your finger to really put a downer on the night.

Who needs fun when you can have strict organisation?

Reveal too much

‘Never have I ever’ might be a great way to get to know people more intimately, but a lot of people seem to think that some things are better left unsaid. As a general rule: sex stories are funny, possible incest stories are what you need.

Sorry not sorry

Have shit chat

There are always those people who think that they’re the ‘King of Banter’ when actually they’re about as funny as discovering you caught herpes from your Castle conquest last night. Constant interjections of ‘that’s what she said’, long winded anecdotes featuring complex plot twists and ironic knock knock jokes are sure to spoil the night, but also may result in an early trip to A&E.

Successful night