A few weeks ago you found out how posh you really were, but now you’re longing to know where that puts you in the meticulous structure of the Durham college system. 5 questions, all the answers, GO:

1. What stood out most on your UCAS form?

A – Your predicted grades. You worked hard to get more stars than Celebrity Big Brother. It wasn’t even for Oxbridge, you just wanted to do the best you could for your own personal fulfilment. How sweet.

B – Your surname. Anyone who reads Tatler knows you’re big news. The Unions are banging on about how where you come from doesn’t matter anymore, but you didn’t get into Uni for your polo abilities, did you?

C – Your stellar sporting record. You’ve played for the South-East on at least 2 occasions, and you were universally adored at school for your acceleration and verve. Get you.

D – Your school. I mean, it’s hard to say no to 500 years of history. Your school had the links to get you into Oxbridge, but you decided in favour of a more wholesome experience here with all the other rejects.

Not what you know…

2. Did you apply to Oxbridge?

A – No, you wanted a normal university experience. Sure, you work hard, but you want to get really stuck in extra-curricularly. You’re pretty fucking keen.

B – Yes, but Daddy didn’t offer enough to refurbish the college library, despite sending him several reminders through his PA. Safe to say, that person is no longer his PA.

C – Yes, but you’re now proud to be at a real sporting University and your parents wouldn’t let you apply to Loughbrough. You have to draw the line somewhere, no use hanging around with this riff-raff.

D – Yes, but you don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, Doxbridge is totally a thing, right?

Not quite Dunelm House though, is it?

3. It’s Wednesday afternoon. What’re you doing?

A – Resting. Durham is hilly, and you’re fucking knackered. You’ve got to get your energy back for your trek down to Lloyds later.

B – Playing Rugby, obviously. Do other sports even exist? You often joke that you’ll die in the scrum, but you’ll probably just get a debilitating injury and not be able to play much after Uni.

C – Footie. The lusty allure of the beautiful game claims your afternoon, the perfect introduction before you settle down to FIFA, pre’s, and ultimately Lloydshack.

D – Working. You’re here to study, and resent all the layabouts who waste time running around attempting to distract you from your elusive 1st.

Sports are for losers

4. Favourite item in your wardrobe?

A – A warm coat. Durham’s harsh climate means you need practicality over style. Who knows, perhaps it could even become a statement piece, your mates all say it looks great.

B – The signet ring Granny gave you for your 18th. There are some things that money just can buy.

C – Edgy Air Maxes. Or Palatinalps stash.  Preferably both. You need to show you are fighting fit but also dig the Après.

D – A gilet. Jack Wills never goes out of fashion.

Practical

5. What do you smoke?

A – You don’t. You need all the lung capacity you can get with those hills.

B – Marlboro Lights. Wait, were there other options?!

C – Rollies. Something stronger at the weekend, but only as a treat, you only get one body and you make sure yours is in peak condition.

D – Cigars. Cuban cigars. Cigarettes are just cigars for plebs who can’t afford to add a bit of occasion to proceedings.

I can’t die, I’m young.

Results:

Mostly A’s – Jo Butler.

You’re a bit of an eager beaver, aren’t you?! Unfortunately  you live so far away from anyway of note that no-one visits you, you’re constantly walking and start a night at Local O’Clock (circa 5:30) to get into town before everything shuts. On the bright side, you can cook, have an en suite and don’t understand why everyone else always moans about potatoes.

Mostly B’s – Hatfield.

You have a thick skin – haters are your motivators. College is amazing, darling, you went to prep with half your corridor, and you all have top gap yah banter. The only place where spooning can begin and end your night, you know deep down…really deep down, that everyone else is just jealous.

Mostly C’s – Collingwood.

It looks like a prison, but you aren’t bothered by little things like stuff actually being nice when you’ve got wide open spaces and a fearsome sporting reputation. The college where anyone with feet can play football, you wouldn’t want to be on the Bailey anyway.

Mostly D’s – Castle.

You should be living the Hogwarts dream. Sleeping in the Castle would suit you down to the ground – feels just like your boarding school but a little bit less expensive. You’ve got the best of both worlds – affluent but not universally hated. Sorry Hatfield.