How to ace your internship interview

Research

Everyone knows it is important to know as much about the prospective company as possible when it comes to an interview. For the stand-out candidate this must include all the things they wouldn’t expect you to know, especially the sordid details. In fact, the more scandalous the better.

The company took out a private injunction to prevent their tax scandal becoming public knowledge? Bring a photocopy of the proceedings. The CEO of the company is shagging his secretary? Make sure you have a photo of her pressed up against his window.

This information will obviously be useless unless you make them sure aware of your brilliant company knowledge. A few choice phrases and magically appearing documents will ensure that the internship is yours.

Graphs are also a massive turn on

Be on time

On the day of the interview, punctuality is key. One of the first things anyone will tell you about acing an interview is to arrive on time, if not early.

In fact, if you want to go that extra mile, it would be ideal to camp outside the place of the interview the night before so you can greet your prospective boss with a potted plant, his/her morning skinny cappuccino and an optional fanfare on arrival.

Didn’t your mum tell you those trumpet lessons would come into use one day?

Other brands are available

Look good

Upon greeting the interviewers, it is important that you make a strong first impression. All interviews have a dress code, and you should use this to your full advantage.

Take an ordinary office skirt, a needle and thread, and get to work. At least 3 inches from the hemline should grab their attention, and if this doesn’t seem to be working, there’s always a blouse button to be accidentally ripped off.

Boys, it’s slightly harder for you, but don’t lose faith. You’re not going to impress anyone by losing a few inches down there so instead focus on the top half. Wear a shirt so tight that it hugs your pecks in a way that only a hooker could, and if they’re nothing to show off remember that it’s not only girls that can benefit from a good stuffing.

Irresistible

Sell yourself

It’s crucial that you make the interviewer know how fantastically accomplished you are and why you’d be an ideal intern. Tell them about the time you saved an entire African orphanage from a pack of rabid hyenas on your gap year.

Or about the time you slut dropped for Eminem when you met him on a flight to Los Angeles, and he was so impressed that he dedicated ‘Ass Like That’ to you.

If those don’t work, do something to really stand out from the crowd of beige blazer-wearing public school kids that will no doubt have had a good briefing from their nanny before the big day

You might not have the money or connections to guarantee you a spot, although on the other hand if you’re reading this you might, but either way you can always do more.

If all else fails, get the brands’ logo tattooed on your ass.

Totally not attention seeking