Which dog breed is your Durham college?

It’s the question on everybody’s lips.

We’re all far away from home. Puppy cuddles, and cute walks with your dog are a distant memory. But what, if just for a moment, we could imagine that our entire college was a dog? Which dog breed would it be?

Castle

Castle is nothing less than the regal Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Built in the Norman Conquest, the college is all too familiar with royalty. Everyone posts instagrams of the castle gates with the hashtag #blessed, and love walking past tourists taking picture of your home. You’re basically living your best life in a castle, without any of the responsibilities of being a royal, just like these pampered pups.

Cuth’s

You’re a Cavapoo. You were born out of Castle, and therefore have roots with Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, but you’re distinguished and unique, with ultra-modern, hypoallergenic poodle hair instead of fur. You might look like all the other normal dogs which are part of the established order, being placed in the Bailey, but we all know you’re different. You’re a society, distinct from the crowd, just like this modern cross-breed pup.

Collingwood

Collingwood is a Border Collie. It’s literally in the name. You’re king of the hill, with the other hill colleges following in your lead, like this loveable sheepdog herding it’s sheep. You’re also supposedly super sporty, running around and chasing after things, like this dog. Being sporty like a Collie is easy when you have a new gym funded by alumni and a reputation for winning intercollegiate events.

Grey

Grey is obviously a Greyhound. Again, it’s in the name. The college buildings are reminiscent of a retirement home, and greyhounds all have to retire from their racing lives at some stage. But you’re still part of the hill college crew, running around and living your life in harmony with the rest of the bunch.

Hatfield

Hatfield is the old black Labrador which seems to have been around longer than everyone else in the family. You irritate those around you with your habits, which are not too dissimilar to a labrador’s habits of farting and drooling. Do we need to remind everyone that their Lion in Winter Ball kept everyone in the Bailey awake the day before Chad’s had their college day? But, Hatfield is an essential part of the Durham family, just like the family black lab, whether everyone likes to admit it or not.

Chad’s

Chad’s is obviously a Jack Russell. The small, but vocal, Bailey college is almost indistinguishable from it’s Bailey doggy counterparts. It’s clever, playful and more keen on hunting than is quite socially acceptable. Chad’s doesn’t let it’s diminutive size mean it’s overlooked by bigger colleges, and neither does the yappy terrier. This college is the less obvious and more fun choice of the wealthy, much like the Jack Russell.

JoBo

JoBo is a St Bernard. Everyone who lives there is capable of travelling long distances and navigating mountainous regions. You’re probably carrying a bottle of whiskey around in that practical backpack of yours, just to soothe the pain of knowing you’ll have to cook for yourself at the end of your long day of lectures, and walking back and forth between them.

Hild Bede

You’re a Lhasa Apso. You’re fancy and different to the rest of the colleges. You even have your own hill; high maintenance much? It’s important that you’re different to the rest of the crowd, because you took a gap year that really helped you find yourself. We know you spent three months in Tibet with monks, Monty, you never shut up about it. Hild Beders are also, like this pretty pooch, known for their muscular loins.

Mary’s 

Mary’s is a Dandie Dinmont Terrier. Originally bred to follow foxes, otters and badgers, these dogs are all too familiar with spending time underground, much like those who go to Mary’s bar. Now they’re just show dogs, looking prepped and pretty like the Mary’s college grounds. They’re the most calm and sad looking of all the terriers, and don’t look like they’re up for a laugh. Shame, really.

Van Mildert

Mildert is a pug, for obvious reasons. It’s ugly, but no-one could reasonably say they dislike it. Mildert’s hideous sixties architecture makes the noble pug the most appropriate animal to represent it. Mildertians need little time spent on coat care, preferring the edgy no-effort look, and are, in most cases, amenable to training. Everyone seems to post instagrams of the pond and ducks, which take over everyone’s home pages, and remind us of pugs taking over your feed on every social media platform.

Aidan’s

Aidan’s is a Bassett Hound. Everyone there applied to a Bailey college, and shares the fun, playful, hunt-loving characteristics of those who actually got places in the Bailey, without the same looks. The college looks a bit tired and weary, like the Bassett Hound with it’s droopy eyes, and also like students once they’ve trekked up the huge flight of stairs to get to the college after lectures. There are worse places and breeds you could be.

Trevs

Trevs is a Chinese Crested dog. With architecture modelled on Castle, which didn’t quite work out, Trevs is interesting looking. Lacking in the hair, or appearance, which is important to many other colleges, Trevs is at a slight disadvantage. You’re a bit different, but live happily enough alongside the rest of the hill. Everyone there is very nice, much like these dogs, if you can get past the strange appearance.

John’s

John’s is a Newfoundland dog. This breed is descended from the St John’s water dog, which is now extinct, but shared a name with the more tame of the Durham colleges. Newfoundlands are docile and often known as Nanny dogs, as seen in Peter Pan. John’s is a sort of carer, or Nanny, setting a moral standard through it’s religious nature for the rest of the Durham colleges.

Ustinov

You’re a mongrel. With students from across the country making the postgrad college their home in Durham, there’s no mould which everyone fits. It’s a mixture of all kinds of people, with all different degrees. No one really knows why Ustinov exists, or the origins of the college, and it also looks a little bit unusual clustered with the rest of the hill colleges. It could only ever be a friendly mongrel.

Stockton

It’s undeniable, Stockton campus is definitely a fox. Not being in Durham like the rest of the colleges sets John Snow and Stephenson apart, so apart that they’re a whole different breed to other Durham students. They kind of look like the rest of the Durham colleges, except for the fact that they are completely different, going to different clubs, doing different subjects, living separate lives. One day they might evolve into something more like a dog, but for now at least they’re foxy.