Every type of college marriage you’ll ever see

The freshers week Klute proposers

This couple don’t give a shit about the traditions of college marriage. While other people are organising acapella groups and hand crafting genuine oak engagement rings, they found a Haribo on the floor of a sticky club three days into first term, asked someone who lived in the same corridor as them, and they’re now best friends.

Their relationship has inevitably been strengthened by night after night of heavy drinking together.

May god have mercy upon their college children’s livers.

The couple who have to stay together because they’ve done too much stupid shit to give up on their relationship

Often seen doing something dumb

One of them could probably punch the other ones’ mum, and they still wouldn’t break up. They’ve been there for each other, especially during nights out together. Each one ends with either cleaning up the other one’s sick or sorting out emotional breakdowns.

This is love.

The couple who actually will be married by graduation

Often seen not talking to other people – love is all they need

Are they college married or are they dating? This couple seem so tight that you’re not entirely sure that they aren’t actually a couple. In fact, you saw them getting very close in Loft three weeks into Freshers.

There’s a flirting, but one of them will get into a relationship and forget about all of it. Until, of course, the end of third year rolls around, both of them realise that they need to start finding life partners, and they end up living together, post-graduation, in a flat in London.

They’ve definitely got with each other before, but they’re just trying before they’re buying. And at least they’re officially consummating their marriage.

The ‘actually married’ couple

Often seen engaging in simple trust exercises, such as this one

It’s rare to see this couple not bickering. You always thought that college marriages were for people who were genuinely good friends, and liked each other, but this couple have made you realise that being married to someone you find intensely annoying is a common occurrence.

At least they have fun together.

The power couple

Often seen being the epitome of both swag and class

Their proposal was way more OTT and much cuter than yours was. It involved poetry, roses, confetti, music, or all of those at once. They both row, play hockey, have three jobs, do a DU sport, get firsts in all their essays, know everyone in college…

You probably hate this couple, but secretly want to be them.

The couple you don’t talk to

Often seen trying to be the power couple

Because you don’t make friends with twats.

The couple who ‘aren’t actually married yet, but will be once they propose’

Often seen questioning what’s happening with the proposal situation

They’re ‘betrothed.’ That counts, right?

The divorcees

Often seen separately. Because you don’t tend to hang out with someone you got divorced from.

Did they break the age old rule of not getting with your college partner? Did they just get married a bit too early and find out that they didn’t want the same things? Did they realise that one of them is a massive dick? There are many explanations for the existence of divorcees, and each one has its own, tragic story.

Definitely makes for great gossip, though.

The singleton

Often found asking their friends to find them love

It’s a hard life, being single. You want college kids, but you’ve heard that you’ll be given the lowest priority without a partner.  You feel deep, bitter resentment towards all the Freps who advised you not to get married too early; your decision to ‘wait for the right one’ seems to be falling to pieces.

Are you going to be stuck getting married to that guy who puts up his hand in every single one of your lectures? Do you actually care this much about fake marriages which add little value to your lives in the long term?

Prince Charming is on their way. It might be someone you hate, but they’ll be out there somewhere.